Fears. I've been thinking a lot about the role they play in my life.
I suspect they play a fairly large role in others lives as well. My
biggest insecurity these days is mediocrity. One of the greatest
intuitions in the world to study physics, yet not a place where you
see a lot of people patting their backs.
"I have a fucking gift, and that gift does me no better than
mediocre at this institution"
A passing comment that has stuck with me since my first year. It
occurred to me afterwards that my gift may be more of a curse. An
opportunity to understand with concrete definiteness that I'd never
join the fraternity of the elite.
Think of all the great shooting guards that attended Duke, N.C.
State, Clemson and Virgnia in 1983. Basketball is their life.
They've slid by, eased passed, stepped back from and drained shots
on lesser players their entire life. And yet when they stand
opposite Michael Jordan all of those moments, those ancient
histories, serve to illustrate what they will never become.
Facing fears. Is courage the lack of fear altogether or the ability
to swallow them? I hope it's the latter. I've had limited success
facing my fears and none whatsoever in burying them. The guys who
lack fear are the guys who lack creativity, unable to imagine the
possibilities. I read that in a Vietnam memoir. I'd like to think
that's different from courage.
"Never have I known a man with so much fear."
Finito, Hemmingway's matador in "For Whom the Bell Tolls". He's
terrified of bulls to the point where he can't even look at them
outside of the ring, can't even have a bulls head mounted on his
wall without succumbing to fear. He is, however, Hemmingway's
archetype of courage. Finito, a good matador but not a great one,
faces the bulls until the repetitive pounding of their horns
eventually kills him. In my strongest moments, I think we have a lot
in common.
Then there is the story of the boy whose blind act of idiotic
bravery during the running of the bulls leaves him with a legacy
that he must repeat every year. Every year he complies, but every
year he hopes for rain. I often find myself hoping for rain.
What are your greatest fears? How do you face them?
I suspect they play a fairly large role in others lives as well. My
biggest insecurity these days is mediocrity. One of the greatest
intuitions in the world to study physics, yet not a place where you
see a lot of people patting their backs.
"I have a fucking gift, and that gift does me no better than
mediocre at this institution"
A passing comment that has stuck with me since my first year. It
occurred to me afterwards that my gift may be more of a curse. An
opportunity to understand with concrete definiteness that I'd never
join the fraternity of the elite.
Think of all the great shooting guards that attended Duke, N.C.
State, Clemson and Virgnia in 1983. Basketball is their life.
They've slid by, eased passed, stepped back from and drained shots
on lesser players their entire life. And yet when they stand
opposite Michael Jordan all of those moments, those ancient
histories, serve to illustrate what they will never become.
Facing fears. Is courage the lack of fear altogether or the ability
to swallow them? I hope it's the latter. I've had limited success
facing my fears and none whatsoever in burying them. The guys who
lack fear are the guys who lack creativity, unable to imagine the
possibilities. I read that in a Vietnam memoir. I'd like to think
that's different from courage.
"Never have I known a man with so much fear."
Finito, Hemmingway's matador in "For Whom the Bell Tolls". He's
terrified of bulls to the point where he can't even look at them
outside of the ring, can't even have a bulls head mounted on his
wall without succumbing to fear. He is, however, Hemmingway's
archetype of courage. Finito, a good matador but not a great one,
faces the bulls until the repetitive pounding of their horns
eventually kills him. In my strongest moments, I think we have a lot
in common.
Then there is the story of the boy whose blind act of idiotic
bravery during the running of the bulls leaves him with a legacy
that he must repeat every year. Every year he complies, but every
year he hopes for rain. I often find myself hoping for rain.
What are your greatest fears? How do you face them?
niobe:
It starts off nice and slow, but always goes a bit faster and always ends with a bang and then pure exhaustion. Or something like that.