This weekend was far too long. This weekend was hell and I hate it, I only want to wash it away. I don't know where I began to hate it. Must have been somewhere between the hangovers and the vodka-induced stupid phone calls to people I should refrain from talking to. Probably between the self-medication and laying cold and naked on the bathroom floor crying because everything fucking hurts.
I wish like hell I could just erase the memory of these past few days.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
If you walk away, I'll walk away
First tell me which road you will take
I don't want to risk our paths crossing some day
So you walk that way, I'll walk this way
And the future hangs over our heads
And it moves with each current event
Until it falls all around like a cold steady rain
Just stay in when it's looking this way
And the moon's laying low in the sky
Forcing everything metal to shine
And the sidewalk holds diamonds like the jewelry store case
They argue walk this way, no, walk this way
And Laura's asleep in my bed
As I'm leaving she wakes up and says
"I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave
Baby don't go away, come here..."
And there's kids playing guns in the street
And ones pointing his tree branch at me
So I put my hands up I say "enough is enough,
If you walk away, I'll walk away"
And he shot me dead...
I found a liquid cure
From my landlocked blues
It'll pass away like a slow parade
It's leaving but I don't know how soon
And the world's got me dizzy again
You think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin
And it only feels worse when I stay in one place
So I'm always pacing around or walking away
I keep drinking the ink from my pen
And I'm balancing history books up on my head
But it all boils down to one quotable phrase
If you love something, give it away
A good woman will pick you apart
A box full of suggestions for your possible heart
But you may be offended and you may be afraid
But don't walk away, don't walk away
We made love on the living room floor
With the noise in the background of a televised war
And in the deafening pleasure I thought I heard someone say
"If we walk away, they'll walk away"
But greed is a bottomless pit
And our freedom's a joke
We're just taking a piss
And the whole world must watch the sad comic display
If you're still free start running away
Cause we're coming for you!
I've grown tired of holding this pose
I feel more like a stranger each time I come home
So I'm making a deal with the devils of fame
Saying "let me walk away, please]"
You'll be free child once you have died
From the shackles of language and measurable time
And then we can trade places, play musical graves
Till then walk away, walk away
So I'm up at dawn
Putting on my shoes
I just want to make a clean escape
I'm leaving but I don't know where to
I know I'm leaving but I don't know where to...
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
So, I don't know. I really need spring break to hurry up and get here. Because I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out. At the moment I want nothing more than to have somebody around, but not for comfort, I just want to fucking yell. I want to pick somebody apart for everything that is wrong. I'm sure that's pretty fucked up. I'm sure I probably need to take a few Tylenol PM and just pass out on my couch. But I don't want to sleep. I want to cry and scream and drink myself into stupid oblivion again.
Not much has gone right today. Dog got outside and it took me 45 minutes of following him around in calf-deep snow to get him back. I dropped my keys somewhere in this time, it took me another half hour to find them, with a bunch of kids staring at me as I stumbled around. Then I discovered my wallet missing. Fuck...spend another three hours looking everywhere and freaking out. Found out later that it was at the house I was at last night. Picked it up, did laundry, went to walmart, bought stuff. Came home and laid on the couch for a bit, got back up to go get my laundry. Was an idiot and left the walmart bag on the floor. Returned home with still-damp clothes and no patience to find the bag of bird seed I bought torn apart and the seed scattered all over the carpet and tile. Stood there and stared for a good 2 minutes. Looked down to discover I was standing in a puddle of dog urine.
...Wow. I really do hope tomorrow goes a bit better. At least the weather is supposed to be lovely. I look forward to that.
I just need a vacation. I think. But for now I suppose this fluoxetine and Cherry Coke will do. Right? Right. Not like I have much of a choice. I would like to spend the rest of the night laying on my couch with my headphones on, blocking out the rest of the world.
