The Laziest Effin Fall TV Preview You Are Likely to Read
By Edward Kelly
Im a terrible gambler. I dont mean that Ive got some sort of problem, I mean literally that I am bad at gambling of any kind. Ive got no eye for the fast money, I cant count cards, and more often than not I forget the rules and accepted decorum while playing Poker (I always forget to burn before turning, thus prompting dismissive eye-rolls sorry, purists). Case in point: I went to the horse races precisely once in my life. Youd think I would win some money on the ponies since there were something like 50 races that day, but no. I lost money on every race and left the track significantly less loaded (with money) but simultaneously significantly more loaded (with booze) so it all evened out, in a way.
Even when I should be good at picking winners, Im not. For example, Im a relatively savvy pop culture guy. I have an almost encyclopedic of knowledge movies, television, and comics. Which means that I should be able to call which shows will be good and which shows will be Bored To Death. But Im not. Inevitably, I back the wrong horse and spend a month and a half investing an hour a week in FlashForward before realizing Im watching the flattest, most melodramatic show this side of Lifetime.
So, with the fall TV season rapidly approaching, Ive decided to do something revolutionary: I will abstain from new shows. Of course, this is a total lie (as you will see in a few paragraphs), since I know for a fact I will be checking out at least two new shows. But I still love what I love and since Ive annoyed my friends and family with shows they should be watching (sorry, guys), Ive decided to give them a break for a while (until I get bored at work again) and pester you, faithful reader.
This has a few challenges since Im not a professional critic nor am I an industry insider in any way, shape, or form. What does this mean for you? Well, it means Ill recap what I remember about the season finales of my favorite shows and then provide wild totally unsubstantiated predictions for what will happen.
Here goes. Im going in order of the shows weekly airdates (so if something airs on Mondays, then thats whats first).
How I Met Your MotherSeason 6 starts Monday, September 20 on CBS.
The Recap: HIMYM is faced with the same question that a lot of the returning comedies raise: has it jumped the shark? Maybe, maybe not. Season 5 teased us with a few mythology developments (Remember when we saw The Mothers foot? Remember when Ted bought the janky house that will morph into the room where his kids will be forced to sit and listen to the longest story ever?) but also featured some narrative wheel-spinning. The season ended with Lily and Marshall seeking out Barneys doppleganger as part of a cosmological sign that they should finally have a kid. Spoiler: they found it and, presumably, they will start knocking boots.
The Wild, Unsubstantiated Prediction: The Mother is Robin! No, wait, that makes no sense. The Mother is Britney Spears! Still makes no sense. The Mother is Ted, who will be revealed to some sort of bug-like thing that specials is mimicking douche-y New Yorkers and produces offspring asexually! Yeah, that works.
Modern FamilySeason 2 starts Wednesday, September 22 on ABC.
The Recap: I dug the first season of Modern Family quite a bit. I thought it would be another Office knock-off, which it kind of was, but managed to carve its own niche through a spirited ensemble cast and writers that know how to steer clear around comedy tropes (or at least disguise them enough so they seem fresh again). Plus, Ty Burrell as inept-but-caring dad Phil Dunphy knocked it out of the park each and every episode. Despite my obvious fandom, I honestly cant remember how the season ended and this being a lazy-ass preview, Im not going to look it up. I think they went to Hawaii or something. Or a Lakers game.
(All right, I caved and looked it up. They all took a family photo together and the red-haired guy tried to kill a bird. Trust me, it was funny.)
The Wild, Unsubstantiated Prediction: Phils wife, Claire will snap and murder her father, but only after Phil and Luke will go on the lam as a father-son con artists aided by Gloria who will be an working an angle to save her son Manny from a drug cartel. They show will be sold to AMC where it will win 89 Emmys.
The Big Bang TheorySeason 4 moves to Thursdays starting September 23.
The Recap: Sheldon and Blossom sitting in a tree, B-E-I-N-G A-W-K-W-A-R-D T-O-G-E-T-H-E-R. Well, that rhyme scheme fell apart pretty quickly didnt it? Oh well. Anyway, season 3 saw Sheldon meeting up with Miayim Bialick (I dont know or care if that is spelled correctly) (okay, yes I do, and I was wrong: its Mayim Bialick sorry, Blossom) in what was supposed to be a kinda-sorta first date. Season 3 of Big Bang was hit-and-miss for me since the writers could not sell the whole Leonard/Penny hook up. Thankfully, the writers were smart enough to see what a talent they have with Jim Parsons (Sheldon Cooper) and focused a large number of the storylines in him. With Parsons recent Emmy win, that trend will most likely continue unabated. Unless the dude who played Moist in Dr. Horrible suddenly breaks out. Which he wont, but not because Simon Helberg isnt talented, but because the universe doesnt like me
Prediction: Sheldon reveals himself to be a Vulcan, the show veers into campy 60s sci-fi and the sets get even more colorful. Yay, colors!
THAT IS ALL FOR RIGHT NOW. HOPEFULLY ILL WRITE MORE LATER.
By Edward Kelly
Im a terrible gambler. I dont mean that Ive got some sort of problem, I mean literally that I am bad at gambling of any kind. Ive got no eye for the fast money, I cant count cards, and more often than not I forget the rules and accepted decorum while playing Poker (I always forget to burn before turning, thus prompting dismissive eye-rolls sorry, purists). Case in point: I went to the horse races precisely once in my life. Youd think I would win some money on the ponies since there were something like 50 races that day, but no. I lost money on every race and left the track significantly less loaded (with money) but simultaneously significantly more loaded (with booze) so it all evened out, in a way.
Even when I should be good at picking winners, Im not. For example, Im a relatively savvy pop culture guy. I have an almost encyclopedic of knowledge movies, television, and comics. Which means that I should be able to call which shows will be good and which shows will be Bored To Death. But Im not. Inevitably, I back the wrong horse and spend a month and a half investing an hour a week in FlashForward before realizing Im watching the flattest, most melodramatic show this side of Lifetime.
So, with the fall TV season rapidly approaching, Ive decided to do something revolutionary: I will abstain from new shows. Of course, this is a total lie (as you will see in a few paragraphs), since I know for a fact I will be checking out at least two new shows. But I still love what I love and since Ive annoyed my friends and family with shows they should be watching (sorry, guys), Ive decided to give them a break for a while (until I get bored at work again) and pester you, faithful reader.
This has a few challenges since Im not a professional critic nor am I an industry insider in any way, shape, or form. What does this mean for you? Well, it means Ill recap what I remember about the season finales of my favorite shows and then provide wild totally unsubstantiated predictions for what will happen.
Here goes. Im going in order of the shows weekly airdates (so if something airs on Mondays, then thats whats first).
How I Met Your MotherSeason 6 starts Monday, September 20 on CBS.
The Recap: HIMYM is faced with the same question that a lot of the returning comedies raise: has it jumped the shark? Maybe, maybe not. Season 5 teased us with a few mythology developments (Remember when we saw The Mothers foot? Remember when Ted bought the janky house that will morph into the room where his kids will be forced to sit and listen to the longest story ever?) but also featured some narrative wheel-spinning. The season ended with Lily and Marshall seeking out Barneys doppleganger as part of a cosmological sign that they should finally have a kid. Spoiler: they found it and, presumably, they will start knocking boots.
The Wild, Unsubstantiated Prediction: The Mother is Robin! No, wait, that makes no sense. The Mother is Britney Spears! Still makes no sense. The Mother is Ted, who will be revealed to some sort of bug-like thing that specials is mimicking douche-y New Yorkers and produces offspring asexually! Yeah, that works.
Modern FamilySeason 2 starts Wednesday, September 22 on ABC.
The Recap: I dug the first season of Modern Family quite a bit. I thought it would be another Office knock-off, which it kind of was, but managed to carve its own niche through a spirited ensemble cast and writers that know how to steer clear around comedy tropes (or at least disguise them enough so they seem fresh again). Plus, Ty Burrell as inept-but-caring dad Phil Dunphy knocked it out of the park each and every episode. Despite my obvious fandom, I honestly cant remember how the season ended and this being a lazy-ass preview, Im not going to look it up. I think they went to Hawaii or something. Or a Lakers game.
(All right, I caved and looked it up. They all took a family photo together and the red-haired guy tried to kill a bird. Trust me, it was funny.)
The Wild, Unsubstantiated Prediction: Phils wife, Claire will snap and murder her father, but only after Phil and Luke will go on the lam as a father-son con artists aided by Gloria who will be an working an angle to save her son Manny from a drug cartel. They show will be sold to AMC where it will win 89 Emmys.
The Big Bang TheorySeason 4 moves to Thursdays starting September 23.
The Recap: Sheldon and Blossom sitting in a tree, B-E-I-N-G A-W-K-W-A-R-D T-O-G-E-T-H-E-R. Well, that rhyme scheme fell apart pretty quickly didnt it? Oh well. Anyway, season 3 saw Sheldon meeting up with Miayim Bialick (I dont know or care if that is spelled correctly) (okay, yes I do, and I was wrong: its Mayim Bialick sorry, Blossom) in what was supposed to be a kinda-sorta first date. Season 3 of Big Bang was hit-and-miss for me since the writers could not sell the whole Leonard/Penny hook up. Thankfully, the writers were smart enough to see what a talent they have with Jim Parsons (Sheldon Cooper) and focused a large number of the storylines in him. With Parsons recent Emmy win, that trend will most likely continue unabated. Unless the dude who played Moist in Dr. Horrible suddenly breaks out. Which he wont, but not because Simon Helberg isnt talented, but because the universe doesnt like me
Prediction: Sheldon reveals himself to be a Vulcan, the show veers into campy 60s sci-fi and the sets get even more colorful. Yay, colors!
THAT IS ALL FOR RIGHT NOW. HOPEFULLY ILL WRITE MORE LATER.