lowercasedanny

This is going to be kind of disjointed, but I feel like I should be writing on here more often.

I need to develop some hobbies. The highlight of my night was finding a strainer (that cost twenty-fucking-two dollars) with a fine enough mesh to rinse quinoa. I also picked up some bottles of garam masala, turmeric and cardamom, and two pounds of lentils, for some Indian recipes I want to try. I'm proud that I'm finally making the effort to cook more often, but fuck is it expensive on the front end. I probably need at least another dozen different spices and herbs, if not more. And definitely some more cooking utensils. And lots of other various things that I haven't even thought of yet.

I'm possibly maybe thinking about finally buying living room furniture tomorrow. I'm still not 100% sure what I want, and buying it now would put me on thin ice financially for a week or two, but I'm getting really tired of not having it. I've been borrowing a foldout cushioned chair from my ex, and it gets the job done to an extent, but it just doesn't really cut it for relaxation purposes. And I really need somewhere for the rare, but occasional, guest(s) to sit. I've been here for over two months and my apartment still feels...empty.

I've been very bipolar about work lately. Some days I'm able to really focus, keep busy and get things done. But more often than not I struggle with caring about any of it. There's absolutely nothing rewarding about my job other than whatever personal pleasure I derive from excelling for the sole purpose of excelling. I feel like I'm in college again, doing and learning things purely for the sake of preparing myself for a "real" job.

Related to that, I'm really worried about the realistic possibility of actually being able to find a better job any time soon. Or even be able to keep my current job. And not "soon" as in the next year or two, "soon" as in the next five to ten years. One of the ways I pass the time at work is by reading up on current events. Everyone is acting like the economy is going to turn around any day now, but from everything I'm reading the signs are not good. The commercial real estate market is poised to take a nosedive in a matter of months, and the effects are allegedly going to be worse than the housing market collapse. Which isn't over, by the way. A huge chunk of ARMs are scheduled to reset next year and in 2012, and it's not going to be pretty. And it also turns out that a lot of investors have been borrowing money from the U.S. government and investing it in the Euro, which is spiralling downwards and threatening to accelerate. Basically what I'm saying is that we're in a Wily Coyote situation - we ran off the edge of the cliff, and pretty soon we're going to have to look down and realize that we're falling to our death. It kind of freaks me out.

It's been bothering me all day, and in light of events I've begun to wonder if I'm not just wasting my life right now. I twiddle my thumbs at work, I come home and twiddle my thumbs some more, and then go to sleep and do it all over again. To a great extent I love the freedoms of being single and largely free of social baggage, but at the same time I kind of hating feeling like a shell of a human being. The other day it occurred to me that the pivotal moment in romantic relationships is that first moment when two people intertwine their fingers together. It's huge. Everything is different after that. I'm a very touch-oriented person, and when I had that realization it hit me hard just how much I miss having another person's touch. I miss cuddling (more than I miss sex, believe it or not). I don't regret breaking up with my ex one bit, because it was the right thing to do, but it is starting to dawn on me that I need to get back out there. I don't necessarily need a girlfriend, but I need to date.

Since I have a stupid fucking safety meeting at 07.30, I suppose I'll end the ramble and try to sleep.