lowercasedanny

It's almost hard to believe that it's been nearly three months since my last entry. I started and then scrapped probably at least a couple dozen entries, but never was satisfied. I'm kind of anal about my writing - most of it strikes me as insufficiently expressive and/or overly self-indulgent - so most of it gets thrown out the window.

So what's new in my life?

Most importantly, December 1st I moved into a new apartment at Midtown Crossing. Overall it's been a very positive experience thus far. Going into the move I figured I would really like having my own place, all to myself, but I didn't realize just how much I would enjoy and appreciate it and how much it would change some of my habits. I used to be a fairly lazy person in regards to housekeeping matters, but now I find myself with a deep desire to keep my apartment close to spotlessly clean. I suppose part of it is the concept of everything being mine and mine only, and thus the apartment is a reflection of me and me alone. I'm definitely getting in touch with my inner homemaker - I care about things like outfitting my kitchen and I've been eschewing the task of buying living room furniture until such time as I can afford something of decent quality and aesthetic. It took me over two weeks just to pick out bedding.

I also signed a lease for a new car. Nissan was offering a pull-ahead program in which they would release me from the final three months of the lease on my old car, so, after talking to the dealership about my options, I decided to lease a 2010 Altima. It's virtually the same as my old car, but in black and with a few minor upgrades. The big plus was getting rid of my old car as soon as possible, because I was already 20,000+ miles over the limit and coming up on a lot of expensive scheduled maintenance. My only other feasible option was to just ride out my old lease and buy the car at the end, and that wouldn't have been very prudent considering the relatively high mileage and necessary repairs and maintenance. My monthly payment is virtually the same, so it's all good. It would've been nice to find a cheaper option, but one of the curses of having nice things is that it's hard to take a step down.

Work has been an absolute bitch. I'm currently working on twelve different projects (far more than anyone else in my group), and I can barely find the time to focus on any single one of them for a useful period of time because I'm constantly getting pressed for answers on about half of my projects at any given time. It's gotten to the point where I'm taking work home almost every day because it's the only place that I can be free of distractions. The problem with that is that I don't have a work space of any sort at home, so I end up going to coffee shops quite a bit. I'm seriously considering slightly delaying my furniture plans and focusing on buying a decent desk and chair. I kind of hate the idea of getting into the habit of working at home, but I'm the kind of person who needs just the right environment to focus and my cramped little cubicle at work is very fucking far from being the right environment. What I really need is a job like my older brother's where I can work exclusively from home, but that's a long-term project.

I'm really hoping the engineering job market in Omaha picks up soon. I did finally get my review in late November, and ended up getting a $1/hour (4% raise). In a vacuum 4% sounds like a decent raise, but in the reality where last year I lost a week of vacation per year, two holidays, and time and a half pay for overtime hours, and where I'm being paid about $10,000/year less than what I'm worth and not getting health insurance, retirement or a decent amount of vacation and holidays, it's a pretty shitty deal. Even some of the little things, like having to park on the top (and uncovered) level of the garage, or being made to feel like a criminal because I'm a smoker, are starting to really irritate me. Yes, I realize that I should be appreciative of the fact that I still have a job in a time when at least 1 out of 10 Americans don't have a job, and I am appreciative to an extent, but that doesn't mean I can't be critical of how I'm being treated. I don't understand what game they're playing at work, because when I told my boss that we'd have to have a serious talk about money and employment classification during my next review he just demurred. They seem to understand that the rats are chomping at the bit to jump ship at the first opportunity, but they also seem to not care.

One area of my life that has remained fairly static is my love life (or, more accurately, the lack thereof). I'm actually fairly happy about this fact. I avoid drama for the plague that it is, and romantic relationships are typically a cesspool of drama. I suppose it would be nice to have sex more than once every three to six months, but that actually doesn't bother me much because, whether it be a blessing or a curse, or both, I don't have a very strong sex drive. I'm not sure if it's just part of my nature, or if I've developed it as a defense mechanism, but I'm a very solitary person. I can honestly say that I could go for months at a time without having a conversation with anyone that I actually know and not be bothered by it. And so it is that I'm fine with being single.

I will openly admit that I sometimes wonder if there isn't something wrong with me. Ninety-nine percent of the time I couldn't care less about being different, but one percent of the time I do stop and think: Shouldn't I be able to strike up a meaningful conversation with a stranger? Shouldn't I be able to get a date? Shouldn't I care about people? Why am I only able to emotionally connect to distant, objectified instances of suffering, and why, conversely, am I prone to emotionally distancing and objectifying the people that I actually know? Am I really so utterly stoic, or am I just putting up a faade that allows me to trade the ability to attain true happiness for the ability to avoid suffering deep emotional pain?

I'll leave you with my favorite picture of Hopkins. For better or for worse, my dog is the thing I care most about in this world.