So I find myself in a pickle. Last week I was pretty dead set on moving into Midtown Crossing in December, and this week I was going to pay a deposit on and submit an application for the apartment that I have picked out. Then, last Friday, a spanner was tossed into the works. I was out having lunch with a coworker and we were discussing various topics of a vocational nature. He mentioned that he had heard a rumor that the company is not currently giving any raises. My review is in mid-November, and my decision to move into Midtown Crossing and devote another 13 months to Omaha hinges entirely upon the assumption that I would at least get a meager raise.
If I don't get a raise it really changes things for a whole host of reasons.
Primarily, it makes it that much harder to put up with my job. I'm already underpaid, I get craptacular benefits and, as I've previously alluded to, I know it's not a company I want to stay with long term. All of my projects this year went well, I'm working on one of the highest profile projects for next year and I had about half a dozen extra projects dumped into my lap when one of our other engineers quit a couple of months ago. So not getting a raise would be a huge disrespect. It's one thing to keep working a job that's mediocre, but it's another thing entirely to keep working a job where I'm not being given my proper due.
Secondarily, I was counting on a raise to, at the very least, cancel out the increase in rent that I would be paying if I move into MTC. Assuming I move in December, the math works out to roughly an extra $110 per month. If I'm going to stick around this place, the last thing I want is to do it with less money. I already live relatively comfortably right now, and $110 isn't necessarily very much in the grand scheme of things, but the salient point here is that I'd be taking a step backwards by living here.
At first glance, the answer to my conundrum is to stay in my current place until the end of the year so that I can wait until after my review to make a decision. But there's a twist to that answer that further complicates matters - I wouldn't be able to take advantage of the free month of rent that comes with a December move-in. Take that out of the equation and suddenly the increase in rent goes up to $174 per month.
So let's just hypothetically say that I spend an extra month in my current place and put off the decision making process until after my review. And let's say that I don't get a raise. That leaves me with two less-than-ideal options: (1) Get the fuck out (not easily done) or (2) stick around in a dead-end job and get a cheaper apartment that I don't really want.
What I should do is just straight up ask my boss whether or not I'm going to get a raise. I'm not really sure if I'm prepared for or equipped for that conversation, though.
Otherwise, I had a pretty decent weekend. Went to a party at the ex's place on Friday, which was fun (albeit shortened for me because I had to get up early), and then the Nebraska game in Lincoln on Saturday with my father and my little brother Kelly. Sometimes that kid amazes me with his tolerance for alcohol. He accidentally left his check card in the ATM that he used and was concerned that the $60 he took out wasn't going to be enough booze money for the night. I rarely ever spend more than $30 on a night out and even that sounds like more than it really is because I have relatively expensive tastes. Sunday was recovery day.
I've kind of gotten into reading random member blogs to pass the time and also just for the sheer fun of peering into other people's lives. I ran across one today (can't remember who it was) in which the author described feeling like they live in a glass box, and it really hit home for me. I see other people, I interact with other people, but it just feels like I can't connect with anyone. Certainly not a deep level, at least. Every relationship and every friendship that I've ever had has fallen apart in one way or another.
And it's entirely my fault. I drift away. I don't keep in contact with people who have moved away or who I have moved away from. I don't make an effort to see the people who are still around. I'm not sure if it's something in my nature that is so ingrained as to be irreversible, but fundamentally I have trust issues. I'm virtually incapable of vulnerability. I always have this nagging feeling that nobody really cares about my bullshit. So what I do is protect myself and head people off at the pass. If I abandon you then you can't abandon me. But deep down inside, I want to tell you all my deepest and darkest secrets and fears. And I want you to care about them. And I want to care about your life, about your hopes and dreams. I want you and I to be us, an amalgamation of human beings.
Part of the problem, I think, is that I constantly struggle to reconcile the extrinsic and intrinsic values of human life and human emotions. Life seems utterly farcical on a cosmic scale - not a single one of us will leave an indelible mark upon the universe. We are not special. But yet the dazzlingly complex array of biological processes running through this feeble body of mine keeps yearning for meaning, for connection to a whole. And I can't help but feel that each and every one of us is unique. That if meaning cannot come from without, it can come from within. And maybe that's good enough. So what if there is no purpose to life? That just means that I can create whatever fucking paradigm I want and run with it.
If I don't get a raise it really changes things for a whole host of reasons.
Primarily, it makes it that much harder to put up with my job. I'm already underpaid, I get craptacular benefits and, as I've previously alluded to, I know it's not a company I want to stay with long term. All of my projects this year went well, I'm working on one of the highest profile projects for next year and I had about half a dozen extra projects dumped into my lap when one of our other engineers quit a couple of months ago. So not getting a raise would be a huge disrespect. It's one thing to keep working a job that's mediocre, but it's another thing entirely to keep working a job where I'm not being given my proper due.
Secondarily, I was counting on a raise to, at the very least, cancel out the increase in rent that I would be paying if I move into MTC. Assuming I move in December, the math works out to roughly an extra $110 per month. If I'm going to stick around this place, the last thing I want is to do it with less money. I already live relatively comfortably right now, and $110 isn't necessarily very much in the grand scheme of things, but the salient point here is that I'd be taking a step backwards by living here.
At first glance, the answer to my conundrum is to stay in my current place until the end of the year so that I can wait until after my review to make a decision. But there's a twist to that answer that further complicates matters - I wouldn't be able to take advantage of the free month of rent that comes with a December move-in. Take that out of the equation and suddenly the increase in rent goes up to $174 per month.
So let's just hypothetically say that I spend an extra month in my current place and put off the decision making process until after my review. And let's say that I don't get a raise. That leaves me with two less-than-ideal options: (1) Get the fuck out (not easily done) or (2) stick around in a dead-end job and get a cheaper apartment that I don't really want.
What I should do is just straight up ask my boss whether or not I'm going to get a raise. I'm not really sure if I'm prepared for or equipped for that conversation, though.
Otherwise, I had a pretty decent weekend. Went to a party at the ex's place on Friday, which was fun (albeit shortened for me because I had to get up early), and then the Nebraska game in Lincoln on Saturday with my father and my little brother Kelly. Sometimes that kid amazes me with his tolerance for alcohol. He accidentally left his check card in the ATM that he used and was concerned that the $60 he took out wasn't going to be enough booze money for the night. I rarely ever spend more than $30 on a night out and even that sounds like more than it really is because I have relatively expensive tastes. Sunday was recovery day.
I've kind of gotten into reading random member blogs to pass the time and also just for the sheer fun of peering into other people's lives. I ran across one today (can't remember who it was) in which the author described feeling like they live in a glass box, and it really hit home for me. I see other people, I interact with other people, but it just feels like I can't connect with anyone. Certainly not a deep level, at least. Every relationship and every friendship that I've ever had has fallen apart in one way or another.
And it's entirely my fault. I drift away. I don't keep in contact with people who have moved away or who I have moved away from. I don't make an effort to see the people who are still around. I'm not sure if it's something in my nature that is so ingrained as to be irreversible, but fundamentally I have trust issues. I'm virtually incapable of vulnerability. I always have this nagging feeling that nobody really cares about my bullshit. So what I do is protect myself and head people off at the pass. If I abandon you then you can't abandon me. But deep down inside, I want to tell you all my deepest and darkest secrets and fears. And I want you to care about them. And I want to care about your life, about your hopes and dreams. I want you and I to be us, an amalgamation of human beings.
Part of the problem, I think, is that I constantly struggle to reconcile the extrinsic and intrinsic values of human life and human emotions. Life seems utterly farcical on a cosmic scale - not a single one of us will leave an indelible mark upon the universe. We are not special. But yet the dazzlingly complex array of biological processes running through this feeble body of mine keeps yearning for meaning, for connection to a whole. And I can't help but feel that each and every one of us is unique. That if meaning cannot come from without, it can come from within. And maybe that's good enough. So what if there is no purpose to life? That just means that I can create whatever fucking paradigm I want and run with it.
amarillo:
hi! meet me, someone who cares.