low_ball

stability vs. uncertainty... episode III


fuckin'ell man..

i've been watching too many british gangster movies... fuckin ell' man.. you should see the expression on my chevy chase right now..

so yea.. sometimes lately i've wanted to fucking grab the first co-worker i see and slap the shit out of them.. just because they are the first of many stupid fucking people that i have the pleasure of working with.... enought of that though.. it's a preface to the fucking roller coaster called my life here lately though...

to make a long story short... choices choices..
on the one hand i've got a steady job i make decent money at.. i'll never be rich but i'll never be poor.. i'll never have to worry about insurance.. i'll never have to worry about retirement.. BUT.. my soul is dying, im not happy, i feel like my brain is dying everyday and loathe even walking in the door everyday.. in fact. i have no idea how i've lasted as long as i have there..

on the other hand.. i see light at the end of the tunnel.. my sg friend holliday.. that fucker.. i love her and i hate her at the same time.. i told her that shit tonight as a matter of fact.. she's a dreamer, like me.. only she's about a year ahead of me as far as the course goes.. and she get me thinking hmmmm.... stay here in houston, where i finally found a great band to be proud of.. but have to stay at a shitty fuck all job that blows asshole and sucks my soul from my being and reminds me of how i sold myself out long ago.... OR.. move to LA, or just norht of LA in the desert.. in the country, where there's still stars.. and build hot rods and choppers.. specifically restoring old bikes and buildin bobbers.. and do tattoos in a quassi small town far enough away from la to escape it but close enough to be rockin if need be..

is this my fate?.. is this what all the decisions that i've spontaneously made over the course of these past two years leading to?? is this the reason why i decided out of the fucking blue to sell my house.. sell my truck.. get rid of all the things that literally owned me.. to get down to nothing and build it back up... is this the reason for the scratching in the back of my mind that has always whispered, " you are better than this and there's something bigger waiting for you out there"... have i been so naive all these years to let worries and self doubt get in the way of what and who i really am...

no.. i've never built or restored an old car before.. but then again, i never knew how to weld or even attempted it until i decided to build my own bike....and finished it and hear it start up for the first time.. in fact the only experience i've had under the hood was changing oil at a sweat shop in highschool.. and that only lasted about 2months because they kept accusing me of stealing money from them.. then found out that their super and regular unleaded tanks were switched and were charging the incorrect prices for both.. yea, never got an apology for that one actually..

so this is what's its come down too.. i know that i've been preparing for something.. i didnt know what it was other than quitting my fucked up job.. but the choices are:

staying in Houston and being in a band that im proud of (and eventually learning to tattoo and quitting shitty job)

OR

moving to California, tattooing, building fuckin hot rods and bikes and finding a fucking killer band in La..

UM.... or is this even a fucking choice at this point?? is this my fucking idea of a normal life..yes.. will i have a problem turning my back on stability.. hell fuckin no.. because the difference between stability and uncertainty at this point is that fact that stability has a cap/roof on it and im getting crushed by it on a daily basis... and uncertainty is just that.. an open canvas..

its starting to feel really good to just let go of it all..