lovechristina

Shit shit shit. I'm a cheater a stupid slut gah ! My friend Chase just left. We just had sex . Really really great sex . But I feel like I'm gonna be sick . I can't believe that just happened. Ok here's what happened. I called him because I wanted to buy some pot and he told me he'd just bring some over to me which is weird because usually I have to drive to La Mesa and pick it up and then chill with him for like an hour . Any way. He comes over and he smells like heaven and he tells me that this ones on him (the weed) if I smoked a few bowels with him before he had to go. I was like fuck yeah ok . So we sit down and start blazing and talking and then he gets all serious and he's like I have to tell you something and I'm like ok and he looks and me and he's like pay attention cuz this is serious. By now I'm freaking out cuz I'm thinking of like 5 million things he could have to tell me. He tells me "Christina your the coolest girl I know and your the only person I feel like I can really tell anything to and I love you" I'm thinking that's so sweet I love you too and he looks at me and says no really I'm in love with you. And I'm just sitting there staring at him thinking what the fuck is he talking about (I'm stoned out of my mind at this point) and he leans in and kisses me with the softest lips I have ever felt and I just melted. When I get high most of my sexual inhibitions and my ability to say no completely disappear. We kiss for a while and he takes my shirt off. My head clears up a little and I get nervous and make a lame attempt to stop the whole situation. And he apologizes and looks at me and It looked like he was gonna cry. He told me that every time he's alone with me he holds back his feelings and fights the urge to kiss me and spill his heart out. He said today was the day he just couldn't do it any more and he knew he had to say something. He said that he had to tell me today because it was tearing him apart every time he saw me because he loved me so fucking much and he knew I couldn't love him back. Then I did the stupidest thing ever, but thinking about it what else could I have said? I told him that I loved him to. And then I kissed him. And that kiss felt so good that I didn't stop him when he undid my bra and slid his hands onto my breasts. And THAT felt so good that it made me want to feel his warm chest against mine so I slipped off his shirt. Then I bit his lip and felt the bulge twitch under his pants. As soon as I felt that I was gone. If Mother Teresa herself had walked through my bedroom door I could not have stopped. Things went very fast after that. He unbuckled my pants with lightening speed and ripped them off my legs. Then he held me down and fucked me so hard and deep and good omg. geez sorry I'm still buzzing from it. And I'm still pretty stoned. I didn't mean to turn this into a crazy erotica lol. Anyways when we finished he slept with me until someone came home and then he left. Before he got in his car he told me he loved me and I said it back. again. shit. The crazy thing is that while we were laying down together the song Tiny Vessels came on my iTunes.

"This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me."



That describes the situation better than anything. He is beautiful in every meaning of the word. And he is one of my best friends. But that's it. Other than that he doesn't mean anything to me. Not as much as Levi does. How do I tell him that. Oh god what did I get myself into.