today started out incredibly shitty. beginning yesterday.
i had an appointment with this health club guy who wanted to advertise in my paper and he turned out to be such an asshole. he was so pushy about "deals" and generally condescending that i felt dirty when i left 45 minutes later. i almost cried. i'm such a puss about things like that. they need the paper, we don't need them. whatevs. my boss told me we could just refuse his business because he has a history of being a jerk.
then last night the keg was stolen from my place, i forgot my lab book at home this morning, skipped a class, couldn't get my passport, and still need to do my taxes.
but i called my dad mid-breakdown and then talked to my sister and i feel sooo mcuh better now.
i've really missed a lot of connection in my life - with my dad traveling for work so much when i was younger and my mom on drugs/in jail/in rehab since i was 10 - and i have a hard time sharing myself with people. for the most part my parents were wonderful, but they have so many issues.
i have just always tried to do everything myself because my background has taught me that i can't rely on anyone else. be strong, constantly achieve, be the provider because that's what my family really couldn't give me, but they tried to, so i've always internalized everything in order not to hurt them. i don't attach myself to anyone because i don't want to be hurt... but i need someone to take care of me. i neeeeed it. it's the one thing i've always looked for in life. we have evolved into such social creatures. we need people.
i'm trying to work on everything
i want to open up more
i had an appointment with this health club guy who wanted to advertise in my paper and he turned out to be such an asshole. he was so pushy about "deals" and generally condescending that i felt dirty when i left 45 minutes later. i almost cried. i'm such a puss about things like that. they need the paper, we don't need them. whatevs. my boss told me we could just refuse his business because he has a history of being a jerk.
then last night the keg was stolen from my place, i forgot my lab book at home this morning, skipped a class, couldn't get my passport, and still need to do my taxes.
but i called my dad mid-breakdown and then talked to my sister and i feel sooo mcuh better now.
i've really missed a lot of connection in my life - with my dad traveling for work so much when i was younger and my mom on drugs/in jail/in rehab since i was 10 - and i have a hard time sharing myself with people. for the most part my parents were wonderful, but they have so many issues.
i have just always tried to do everything myself because my background has taught me that i can't rely on anyone else. be strong, constantly achieve, be the provider because that's what my family really couldn't give me, but they tried to, so i've always internalized everything in order not to hurt them. i don't attach myself to anyone because i don't want to be hurt... but i need someone to take care of me. i neeeeed it. it's the one thing i've always looked for in life. we have evolved into such social creatures. we need people.
i'm trying to work on everything
i want to open up more
martes:
aghhh!!! today went down pretty similarly for me too. it's the evil that is friday the 13th. maybe i place to much negativity on it, but it always seems to be a fucked up day. may 4th is coming soon!
vlora:
Sounds like you have a good grasp on things and that you are very aware as to why you feel like you've missed connecting with people in your life. You sound very self assured, and I can only wish you the best in your quest to open up more. 