love_suicide

sobbing, i hung up the phone with him. i didn't know if it was the weight of money problems, family problems, or the fact that my dreams & hopes with him had been shatterred.

you never know how much you love someone until they are gone. it has been said 10,000 before & will be said 10,000,000 times again as long as this earth keeps spinning...because it's true.

i have a family. i have a husband, two precious children, & even extended family who support & love me. but sometimes, the world feels like too much. the weight feels like more than i can bear. i feel lonely in a room full of people. i feel empty inside most of the time. i have issues that no therapy or meds will ever change & i don't feel strong enough to fix myself...

there are six people in my life who i call my best friends.

one of them is armin. he is genuinely sweet, giving, compassionate, loving, intelligent, self-sufficient, & fun. we have been friends for about two years now...but he lives about 5,000 miles away. even if we wanted to be together for friendship or for love, one of us would have to move away from everyone & everything we know & love. traurig aber richten Sie aus.

then there is trey. trey is goofy & clumsy (like me) & he remembers everything i ever tell him. he knows not to step on my toes, open my drinks, or pretend he's going to burn me. he knows my favorite smell & seemingly enjoys it as much as i do. he & i were great friends once, and we took things a step further than friendship at one time. now it is awkward to be in the same room as him & brian (my husband). and this breaks three hearts at once, everytime.

up next is nikki. we're 3rd cousins. we grew up together. we played childhood games (like WAR & Mousetrap) & sung 80's songs (like Paradise City) together. we lost track of each other through our high school years, but now we are friends again. but there are often times when we need each other & the other isn't there. neither of us is happy & yet neither of us can heal each other's wounds. this makes me even sadder.

of course there is my brother, Kyle. this is the guy that i've always introduced (when He was not around) as my favorite person in the whole world, my God. i usually call Him Krod & He calls me snock. i love our petnames. i spent my first 19 or so years following Him around, clinging to His every word, His every interest, His every desire. i wanted to be just like Him. He's probably the reason that i love metal & the gothic culture. He's the reason that my favorite song is Black No. 1 by Type O Negative (because He told me that it reminded Him of me long long ago). He was the inspiration for my first tattoo (Heart Breaker) because He told me i would always be one. He has always been my hero & now i have to stand idly by & watch Him work two jobs to support living in a mobile home in gordo with practically no social life at all. He deserves so much better & there is nothing i can do to help Him. :this one brings tears to my eyes:

fifthly not filthy, there's tony. there's not much i can say about him because his paranoid wife reads my blogs. i haven't seen him or heard his voice in a long time. we've been friends for over 10 years now, but that doesn't change his situation (3 kids with his psychotic wife & a criminal record for a crime he didn't commit) or mine (also married with children & financially burdened). we'll always love each other, but he loves his family too much to ever act on anything...& even if he could or would, i would probably just fuck it up, like i always do.

back to the random order...6th, we have michael. he swooped into my life while he & i were both in bad relationships. things had only just started to get that way for me. i don't know about him. the night i met him, i was instantly attracted to him & i was willing to leave my would-be husband to be with him, but he delayed in his choice & i took the choice away...sadly. i knew his love was real & it was for her & not for me. a couple of years later we became so close. we talked on the phone for hours playing 20 questions & blabbering about anything, everything, & nothing. we played game shows together on the phone. we were the closest of friends. but honestly, one of those times when brian left, i gave a large piece of my heart to michael. it was not long after that, that michael, too, left. in this case, he had no choice but to leave, but he went with with promises to return to me. to ME. now those promises are in vain. he will return, but not to me.

see, i have a husband. call him brian or gabriel or gabe or even inuyasha...i love him at times & hate him at times. he says he loves me, but neither of us can seem to be faithful for more than a few months. we can't stop lying or arguing. we disagree on parenting styles & tv programs & everything under the sun (just about). i used to consider myself a happy person, an optimist, but when he's around i feel the opposite.

even when things are going well, deep in my heart i feel empty. something's missing & i don't know what or why or who. i wonder if the answer is simple. has it been right in front of my face for years? could it be michael? trey? armin? alex? josh b.? skye? tony? billy? blake? ryan? or some other poor soul who i've bulit up & crushed & on some occasions, then rinsed & repeated?

i've been a bad person, not all bad, but if there were a heaven, i wouldn't receive an invitation. i've stolen, done drugs, been a drunk, stripped, degraded myself for money, cheated, lied, & broken hearts. i want to be better, to do better, act better. i love my friends. i love my family. i don't want to see any of them hurt ever again, but i don't have control over that. i don't even feel like i have control over myself.

i've already lost Alisha, Ryan, & Brad forever. who's next? what's next? will i lose someone i love to death or will it be my own fault? will my children be taken from me one day because i couldn't handle my stress or my anger or even just my responsibilities? i feel like i am sitting at the lowest point in my life & i don't know what to do.