yesterday was the first day i got out of the house by myself since gabriel has been home. almost instantly, the air felt different. the sun seemed to shine a little brighter. see, it's hard to explain...but i feel like when i'm in this relationship (perhaps any relationship), that i am trapped. then once i finally get time to myself, i find myself preoccupied with things i should not be thinking of doing, and yet...i ended up making 2 visits that i knew gabriel would abhor. i came clean the moment i walked in the door about where i'd been & told gabriel that i couldn't handle being in a committed relationship. i had to end it or risk hurting him again & again. he took it better than usual. he said he still wants to live here & i said we'll see how that goes. i guess we're going to take turns babysitting so each other can go out instead of going out together. i can go back to hanging out with whomever i choose, as long as i can find a babysitter (maybe gabriel or my mom) or take the kids along with me. i wonder why i, a 24-year-old mother of two precious little girls, married no less, cannot seem to find pleasure in monagamy. perhaps it just goes back to my bipolar disorder or the fact that i'm a gemini...perhaps we'll never know. end.
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-TM