something is wrong with me. i don't know what it is exactly, but i keep having rage episodes. every time i talk to my mother i start clenching my jaw & my fists. i start yelling & threaten to punch her. this all started about a month ago. it has affected damn near everyone i know & love. i know i have to restrain myself because i have so much rage inside me that if i might hurt someone. no one i know or love is safe from me right now, especially myself.
i have been having horrid thoughts. i see a knife & my first thought is what it would feel like to slit my wrists. the other day i had an overwhelming urge to slice my chest open because i wanted to see what my heart looked like. then i thought i should have open-heart surgery & ask the doctor to videotape the procedure for me. i wonder if a dr. would do that.
why am i obsessed with pain, anger, vengeance & death? how can someone whose goals in life are peace & happiness feel this way?
i think i might have had a mild heart attack or stroke sunday. i was severely stressed out & enraged because of arguing with my mother. my chest started hurting in the middle of one of our arguments & it didn't stop hurting for hours. about 3 hours later, my chest tightened up & i got dizzy. i was hot & flushed & i almost fainted a couple of times. then my left arm went tingly, then numb. then my whole left side started hurting from my neck to my ankle. my dad offered to take me to the ER, but i wouldn't go.
something is wrong with me. but what the fuck is wrong with me?
yesterday i thought about checking myself into North Harbor again. i'll probably just end up getting some Valium from my doctor Friday & trying to chill until i get into therapy on the 17th. i think i need a punching bag. maybe next time i feel enraged, i'll find something i don't really need or want & beat the shit out of it with my baseball bat. that might work. yesterday i felt some relief when repeatedly smacking a wasp with a fly swatter. some sickly strange pleasure from taking its life
i have been having horrid thoughts. i see a knife & my first thought is what it would feel like to slit my wrists. the other day i had an overwhelming urge to slice my chest open because i wanted to see what my heart looked like. then i thought i should have open-heart surgery & ask the doctor to videotape the procedure for me. i wonder if a dr. would do that.
why am i obsessed with pain, anger, vengeance & death? how can someone whose goals in life are peace & happiness feel this way?
i think i might have had a mild heart attack or stroke sunday. i was severely stressed out & enraged because of arguing with my mother. my chest started hurting in the middle of one of our arguments & it didn't stop hurting for hours. about 3 hours later, my chest tightened up & i got dizzy. i was hot & flushed & i almost fainted a couple of times. then my left arm went tingly, then numb. then my whole left side started hurting from my neck to my ankle. my dad offered to take me to the ER, but i wouldn't go.
something is wrong with me. but what the fuck is wrong with me?
yesterday i thought about checking myself into North Harbor again. i'll probably just end up getting some Valium from my doctor Friday & trying to chill until i get into therapy on the 17th. i think i need a punching bag. maybe next time i feel enraged, i'll find something i don't really need or want & beat the shit out of it with my baseball bat. that might work. yesterday i felt some relief when repeatedly smacking a wasp with a fly swatter. some sickly strange pleasure from taking its life
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i'd get your chest examined
-TM