I write long detailed parables about the dangers of laughing at how adorable toddlers look when they're afraid. I advocate for children and it's thankless. I advocate for women and I'm considered an angry radical. I advocate for the lower class and get my $200/week salary stolen from me at the library by a group of aggressive high school boys, a good 10 years younger than me at least. I advocate and educate and then some mornings I want the tiniest bit of room to complain. Not a lot, just the smallest bit...
"I can't get to the post office to mail this package, paypal is gunna refund the money to the buyer, blah blah blah I'm going to spend $60 today on transportation, we have a $125 bill that needs to be paid yesterday, I will work for 11 hours today, and none of this shit is going to get done because I don't have a fucking car, and I've been so, thoroughly fucked by my employers that I blah blah blah blah blah blah."
Lord, just shut up. And I usually do, I think. I usually don't complain about it, at least not to the people I see in my life. But to my partner, the person I live with, I guess I thought this morning that it would be alright to just vocalize that I really try not to complain, but it's fucking hard to be in my situation, and it hurts, and it seems hopeless some days. But me expressing that made him hurt, and then sad, and then smash-your-own-head-into-the-wall a few times angry. I wasn't trying to shit on our life, or even comment on anything but my frustration...I guess I wanted him to tell me,
"Hey, it's going to be alright! You're smart and intuitive, all of your work will pay off and money's a bitch but it isn't real so don't worry so much. The work you do is important, even when it goes totally unnoticed.
I guess it's not fair to hope people will put their own emotions aside to be supportive.
It's been a hard morning, so I'm here in the big room on many tchotchkes signing to myself "HURT FEELINGS...SICK AND SAD"
I hope those little green flower puffs that turn into leaves show up soon. In a feeble attempt to gain the acceptance of a new group of friends, (mostly midwestern women between 50-70), I started making these beautiful Easter eggs. I'm Jewish, but all of them seem to be some kind of Christian and I like the idea of pretty little pastel eggs. The whole motif of Easter is cute as can be. But I'm starting to get the feeling that these people don't want to be my friend. Maybe I'm bothering them the way it bothers everyone when a new member joins on here and wants to be part of the gang. And maybe it's really foolish of me to think I could win these people over with Easter eggs. In my head I look like an eight year old version of me. Silly stupid little Q, she actually thought that if she made them Easter eggs that they'd see beyond her eccentricities and want to be friends.
The taxi driver told me I shouldn't work so much, because I will be old with my money and nothing to do. I don't know what reality he exists in where people in my position have the ability to save. In reality, if I make it to old age, I will likely be denied ss benefits, because I will likely still have student debt to pay back. When a person is too old to work, they are no longer a valued member of our society. It's the saddest thing of all.
But hey, it's evolution, baby. Here's hoping for high spirits. The ability to change our moods is one of our human super powers, right?
xoxoxox
"I can't get to the post office to mail this package, paypal is gunna refund the money to the buyer, blah blah blah I'm going to spend $60 today on transportation, we have a $125 bill that needs to be paid yesterday, I will work for 11 hours today, and none of this shit is going to get done because I don't have a fucking car, and I've been so, thoroughly fucked by my employers that I blah blah blah blah blah blah."
Lord, just shut up. And I usually do, I think. I usually don't complain about it, at least not to the people I see in my life. But to my partner, the person I live with, I guess I thought this morning that it would be alright to just vocalize that I really try not to complain, but it's fucking hard to be in my situation, and it hurts, and it seems hopeless some days. But me expressing that made him hurt, and then sad, and then smash-your-own-head-into-the-wall a few times angry. I wasn't trying to shit on our life, or even comment on anything but my frustration...I guess I wanted him to tell me,
"Hey, it's going to be alright! You're smart and intuitive, all of your work will pay off and money's a bitch but it isn't real so don't worry so much. The work you do is important, even when it goes totally unnoticed.
I guess it's not fair to hope people will put their own emotions aside to be supportive.
It's been a hard morning, so I'm here in the big room on many tchotchkes signing to myself "HURT FEELINGS...SICK AND SAD"
I hope those little green flower puffs that turn into leaves show up soon. In a feeble attempt to gain the acceptance of a new group of friends, (mostly midwestern women between 50-70), I started making these beautiful Easter eggs. I'm Jewish, but all of them seem to be some kind of Christian and I like the idea of pretty little pastel eggs. The whole motif of Easter is cute as can be. But I'm starting to get the feeling that these people don't want to be my friend. Maybe I'm bothering them the way it bothers everyone when a new member joins on here and wants to be part of the gang. And maybe it's really foolish of me to think I could win these people over with Easter eggs. In my head I look like an eight year old version of me. Silly stupid little Q, she actually thought that if she made them Easter eggs that they'd see beyond her eccentricities and want to be friends.
The taxi driver told me I shouldn't work so much, because I will be old with my money and nothing to do. I don't know what reality he exists in where people in my position have the ability to save. In reality, if I make it to old age, I will likely be denied ss benefits, because I will likely still have student debt to pay back. When a person is too old to work, they are no longer a valued member of our society. It's the saddest thing of all.
But hey, it's evolution, baby. Here's hoping for high spirits. The ability to change our moods is one of our human super powers, right?
xoxoxox
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
It is nice to have goals. But goals should not be indicative of happiness.
I would be your friend for an Easter egg.
I know that I made that mistake once. He told me something and I took it completely personally and turned on him. He was really just telling me he was scared, but I took it as a reproach on me. When it had nothing to do with me.
I am sorry that when you found your voice it was silenced.
Perhaps you should feel more free to say what you feel though. Sometimes it is okay to just say, "wow this situation really fucking sucks". I normally then think it, well at some point it will get better and I will look back at this. But sometimes you just have to cry and say this is lousy. And know it is okay to say this is a fucking shit fest.
I think that you will be surprised by how quickly those little ladies take to you. Change is hard, but give them time.
And you are right once those green leaves come out things get better. The end of winter is never good for depression. The snow is dirty, the land is muddy and your skin has lost all its color and moisture.
Everything is just worn out, and then .................re-birth!