louisiana

It's a strange time of year. Usually right around now I'm miserable and praying for sunshine. Usually I am convinced that this will be it. This will be the winter that I freeze to death. It hasn't been that way though. It's been sunny, and even warm every few days. New York in February...this can't possibly be real life.

Everyone seems unhappy but passively fine. I hope we all cheer up soon.

"I wish it could be your birthday again." said the guitarist to the accordionist.

Well, fuck it. I'm just gonna say it:

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, everyone.

Yes, I know. You hate Valentine's Day, right? It's some bullshit for the card companies and chocolate makers, yea? Fuck that shit. I fucking love you. Instead of letting it be a day to celebrate the sweethearts(s) you may or may not have, let it be a day to celebrate your own amazing potential to love. Past, present, future.

This Valentines Day marks the 10 year anniversary of what is to date the worst day I've ever survived. I hate to risk displacing blame, but I'd even say a pretty huge chunk of the unfortunate shit that's happened over the passed 10 years were directly (or indirectly) related to that day. Ten years more powerful. I'm going to do something amazing with all this hatred.

Woah, sorry. I'm starting to sound like my best friend when he mumbled cryptic shit under his breath and doesn't understand that he's leaving out too many details for me to know what he's talking about at all.

The day before Valentine's day is my sister's birthday. She'll be 26. When we were kids she had long blonde hair and I had short brown hair. Here's a photo of us standing next to a weird man:



We had such a terribly rocky childhood and she really just hated me. She hated me so hard that I can still feel it in adulthood. I don't know what was wrong. Something was so wrong though. My parents were my age at the time and didn't realize that there was anything unusual about a two year old having a violent hatred for her infant sister, and having that hatred last for about two decades. Now we don't speak, but when we do it's awkward intense "I love you"'s, with no mention of the fact that she despised everything about me when we were kids. Maybe she still does, I don't know. She texted me "Happy birthday" and "I hope your birthday was good!" and I went to text back and realized over the passed year she's sent me 7 texts, none of which I'd responded to. I texted back , "Thanks, love you!".

I mentioned it to Ev Sunday morning, and talked about how I felt bad, like maybe she was trying to reach out and I just wasn't responding or something. And how the whole thing was making me a little apprehensive about seeing her at the end of the most, and how I'm not sure what our relationship as adults is supposed to be.

"I actually think she doesn't care. Like, she doesn't think about it, and all of these complicated little issues you're dealing with are just in your head. You tend to think that whatever is an issue to you is something any one else even gives a shit about, but really she probably doesn't even care at all, she's probably just texting you because it's the right thing for a sister to do."



Maybe he's right, it doesn't matter. What lesson have I gotten out of this? Maybe that it's not useful to give an opinion that only serves to hurt someone, even if it's your honest opinion.

I can't stop thinking about Bumble-Ardy, Sendac's heavy new rhyming book. It sort of broke my heart.

Up up though! I've got a big giant day at work tomorrow and a few more hours to finish tonight. Wish me luck on throwing an amazing event and remember that to say "I love you" to all of your fellow sisters and brothers of the world.