It's been a while since I have written anything on here. Things have changed since the last time I wrote. I've transferred to a new location, had a girlfriend that was no good for me, and found the love of my life all within the span of about six months. Of course things would have to go downhill from there.
The current girlfriend and I got together at the end of April and things went pretty fast. By June we had moved in together with her roommates. She was on leave from work and we spent every moment together for about two months. Life was great.
Then she went back to work. She's also a volunteer firefighter so that takes up a lot of her time. She got over the initial excitement of our new relationship and back to what she had been used to. She told me that she wasn't sure that she was in love with me. My world almost ended right there.
The next couple of weeks were weird to say the least. We didn't break up, just both agreed we moved way too fast at the beginning and needed to slow down. Of course, in my mind, I thought I had done something wrong from the start. I know better now, but then was different.
We agreed that I needed to move out. I don't really get along well with her roommates anyway, so it's for the best. We'll have a place where we can be alone and work on us without any prying eyes or overheard conversations.
Then I just about lost her. She had been withdrawing from me emotionally over the course of a month or so and in my state of mind at that time I was thinking the worst. I made some huge mistakes that I would have never done otherwise had it not been for another factor.
Backing up about two weeks, I blew up at work and walked out. It wasn't until that point that I realized I needed to have some help dealing with my issues. I have been dealing with depression for years in varying degrees of intensity. My pride has kept me from doing anything about it, thinking that if this or that happened I would come out of it and everything would be ok. Of course, I was wrong. I made an appointment with my doctor and explained my feelings. Oh, and I was able to keep my job as well.
Back to where I was. My emotional state and thoughts were in shambles to begin with, and the medication was enhancing my paranoia and anxiousness. We talked after I screwed up and she told me I couldn't really blame the medication as the feelings were already there. To a point I agree.
I talked again to my doctor and she put me on a different med. Guess what? Yes, I screwed up again. At that point she described me as "fucking crazy" because of what the meds were doing. I was all over the place, but mainly more irritable than usual. Started med number three yesterday.
She won't kiss me right now. She doesn't trust me. I can't blame her for how she feels. I have a lot of work to do on myself before we can work on us. We are still together, neither of us are going anywhere. I'm just hoping that I can find a medication that will help with my mood swings and keep me regulated.
She suggested I keep a journal to write about how my day went and what I was feeling so I can better understand myself. Tried that for about five days, doesn't seem to help. So this is my other attempt. I feel I need someone to read what I'm putting on here. I need feedback. I can't keep everything to myself in a notebook that nobody will see.
Let's see what happens.
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