lostinage

Sometimes i dont know why i am the way i am.. if anything does happen i deserve it, especially if its something bad. Never stops to amaze me how fucking stupid and moronic I really am.. can't even look at myself right now in the mirror without being disgusted with who and what i see.

She's right I'm sure, things happen because of how I react to certain things and situations, i lack a few things thats for sure, so that of course adds to it.

Hell i've been back to sleeping on the floor again this week. Since about tues i think i've been on the floor, refusing to do no more than sit on my bed. For some reason when i hate myself for whatever actions did or words i said I refuse to sleep in my bed. I know that theres some mental connection with it, just not sure why or what it is. I guess its also because since She was sleeping in that bed a week ago its sort of become like a void that can't be filled once more. She's not laying next to me, on the side that i even called hers. I guess by not sleeping in the bed i disconnect myself from the emotions i have, and to somehow remind me how easily things can get screwed because of me.. sort i guess inside i feel if i'm not there i can't be effected by the emotions i may have.. who freaking knows, i'm druged out on medication right now. This shit better knock me out soon, i can't stand being in the state i'm in right now.. once it kicks in i should hopefully pass out and wake up sometime tommorrow.. never failed before.