Title: Maybe it Wasn't My Last Rant...
I am Lord_Shade.
In real life, I am a simple janitor (I do not use such PC words as 'Custodian' or 'Sanitation Engineer', for they are words merely meant to make 'Janitor' sound respectable.). Quiet, but sometimes the leader when i'm roused out of disinterest.
On the internet, I am Lord_Shade, or Pariah, or D-Rock, or whatever suits my fancy. On the internet, i'm a data collector, blogger, and purveyor of entertainments. An old school cyber ninja, but never a hacker (though I wish I could).
On SG, I am a man who feels less afraid to put into binary (later translated to text) of what he really feels, yet always keeps the best details in the dark. I am also a man apart, related to the SG Calgary members through only the thinnest of threads. I do not represent SG Calgary, for they are clustered in a group. The thin threads I speak of are Aya, the only SG girl I have contacted extensively in real life, Mal', whom I've briefly meet, and a few others whom I may go into description later. The point is, I am not part of the SG Calgary clique. I am an outsider observing in my duckblind that is my computer.
At the gaming tables, i'm a warrior, a fighter, a thinker. Pragmatic and sensible, but brave when needed.
Among my friends i'm a gentleman, a teddy bear, a friend. A man whom is harmless and approachable, but very shy and withdrawn. Some say I am even fun to tease... which I find no fun at all. But maybe that is why it is fun for them...
My family sees me as distant. Barely in contact, I avoid them, with official excuses like 'nothing new to report'. But they do miss their distant son.
And finally, my church sees me as a budding Christian, but not rooted enough in doctrine to be able to take shape on his own. Yet, I cannot go back to them, for it is inconvenient for me to do otherwise.
What am I to me?
All of these things.
For I am honest, whether I like it or not.
I am Lord_Shade.
In real life, I am a simple janitor (I do not use such PC words as 'Custodian' or 'Sanitation Engineer', for they are words merely meant to make 'Janitor' sound respectable.). Quiet, but sometimes the leader when i'm roused out of disinterest.
On the internet, I am Lord_Shade, or Pariah, or D-Rock, or whatever suits my fancy. On the internet, i'm a data collector, blogger, and purveyor of entertainments. An old school cyber ninja, but never a hacker (though I wish I could).
On SG, I am a man who feels less afraid to put into binary (later translated to text) of what he really feels, yet always keeps the best details in the dark. I am also a man apart, related to the SG Calgary members through only the thinnest of threads. I do not represent SG Calgary, for they are clustered in a group. The thin threads I speak of are Aya, the only SG girl I have contacted extensively in real life, Mal', whom I've briefly meet, and a few others whom I may go into description later. The point is, I am not part of the SG Calgary clique. I am an outsider observing in my duckblind that is my computer.
At the gaming tables, i'm a warrior, a fighter, a thinker. Pragmatic and sensible, but brave when needed.
Among my friends i'm a gentleman, a teddy bear, a friend. A man whom is harmless and approachable, but very shy and withdrawn. Some say I am even fun to tease... which I find no fun at all. But maybe that is why it is fun for them...
My family sees me as distant. Barely in contact, I avoid them, with official excuses like 'nothing new to report'. But they do miss their distant son.
And finally, my church sees me as a budding Christian, but not rooted enough in doctrine to be able to take shape on his own. Yet, I cannot go back to them, for it is inconvenient for me to do otherwise.
What am I to me?
All of these things.
For I am honest, whether I like it or not.
sometimes the hardest thing to do is stop defining yourself by what others think about you, and start defining yourself by what you think about you. you are the one with the power to control your thoughts about yourself, about your life, about your future. i'm not going to say it's anything but fucking hard, but it is worth the effort in the end to know that your opinion matters first, everyone else a close (or sometimes distant) second.
i went back and read your previous journal. the thing about school is not what (or where) it gets you when you are finished, but what you got out of it when you are in there. a chance to experience new social situations, a chance to interact with people that are at a higher likelyhood to have similiar interests as you, an opportunity to take risks, fail, and go again. sometimes, i have to wonder about why i'm getting myself 20 grand in debt for a program that disappoints me in many ways academically, but i look at what i'm getting out of the program otherwise. a chance to move halfway across the country to the largest city in canada. i seek out profs that know their shit, and pick their brains for as long as they will let me. i end almost every conversation with, 'so do you know of anyone i could send my portfolio to?' if school doesn't get my anywhere, it's because i didn't put enough effort into it, and i have no one to blame but myself.
but like i was saying, this is just un-solicited advice from the masses on the internet. take with a grain of salt, or not at all.