TItle: Deconstructing the Savage People
I think alot at work. There's not much challenge in keeping a scrubbing machine straight or sweeping and mopping. It leaves me with plenty of imagination and thinking time. One perk in what is a very dull, unsuccessful and unprestigious job.
I came to think often of why I was the way I was in high school. But then it steers to 'why was I treated the way I was in high school'.
So, why was I the reject? The loser, the scapegoat? I had many theories.
One, I thought they got off on it. Makes them feel superior. Almost sexual in nature, thereby breaking down bullying as nothing more than a perversion, a mental sadism where the bully is just trying to get off. How sick!
But my latest theory has more weight. Here's what I see.
You have a lion in a cage. People come from miles around to see the lion. Some will throw things at it. Maybe even prod it with a stick. And always, that lion will roar back.
Problem is, the lion is in a cage. It's roar might as well be impotent, and the cage always keeps him back from his rightful vengeance.
That is my problem. I'm defensive. If someone insults me, I hurl it right back. But instead of stinging them like it stings me, they are amused and they gain enjoyment through my reaction. After all, they like the confirmation that I felt displeasure at their actions.
My cage was a weak body, no way to fight and win, and a kindness that didn't want anyone to be physically hurt. I can talk all I wanted, but not truely fight back.
The reason I came to this conclusion is because my so called friends say that i'm fun to tease due to my reactions. I feel as if they are, in some small way, no better than the people whom made my life hell during High School. I thought they would have grown up and grown out of it, but I guess some things never change.
Enough theorizing. Good news. My phone's back online! I'm going to contact 'Saleem' in a few days. First, I want to prep. I haven't seen her in almost a year, so I should handle this in a cautious manner.
I think alot at work. There's not much challenge in keeping a scrubbing machine straight or sweeping and mopping. It leaves me with plenty of imagination and thinking time. One perk in what is a very dull, unsuccessful and unprestigious job.
I came to think often of why I was the way I was in high school. But then it steers to 'why was I treated the way I was in high school'.
So, why was I the reject? The loser, the scapegoat? I had many theories.
One, I thought they got off on it. Makes them feel superior. Almost sexual in nature, thereby breaking down bullying as nothing more than a perversion, a mental sadism where the bully is just trying to get off. How sick!
But my latest theory has more weight. Here's what I see.
You have a lion in a cage. People come from miles around to see the lion. Some will throw things at it. Maybe even prod it with a stick. And always, that lion will roar back.
Problem is, the lion is in a cage. It's roar might as well be impotent, and the cage always keeps him back from his rightful vengeance.
That is my problem. I'm defensive. If someone insults me, I hurl it right back. But instead of stinging them like it stings me, they are amused and they gain enjoyment through my reaction. After all, they like the confirmation that I felt displeasure at their actions.
My cage was a weak body, no way to fight and win, and a kindness that didn't want anyone to be physically hurt. I can talk all I wanted, but not truely fight back.
The reason I came to this conclusion is because my so called friends say that i'm fun to tease due to my reactions. I feel as if they are, in some small way, no better than the people whom made my life hell during High School. I thought they would have grown up and grown out of it, but I guess some things never change.
Enough theorizing. Good news. My phone's back online! I'm going to contact 'Saleem' in a few days. First, I want to prep. I haven't seen her in almost a year, so I should handle this in a cautious manner.