lord_shade

My day off. Can't sleep. Played Red Alert 2 against my friend Raven. I kicked his ass thoroughly. He blames his computer. I blame the fact that his harvesters kept hitting my tank patrols. *L*

Shoulder's sore from scrubbing tile last night. Look forward to some more tonight. BLEH! Who was the idiot manager that thought putting unpolished tiles in a mall was a good thing? Traps dirt like crazy, and it looks ugly. But hey, the contractors that laid the tile down told me it was the cheapest tile available. Go figure.

Though Raven is somewhat good company, I am as isolated as ever. I can't sleep when I get off work, so I try to drift off. When I finally do sleep, I wake up only an hour or two before my shift starts. So, I have no convenient time to hang out with my friends. I really need to do something about this sleep disorder, such as maybe GET A DAY JOB!

If only the market wasn't so hopeless...

I read an article on Wired which really made me more miserable. IT jobs going to India. Thanks a f**king lot you sellout companies! I hope you all go bankrupt!

Now for a little insight into my mind.

Aya said in my testimonial that I was a true gentleman.

Wish I could be that way all the time. But it had been noted my many that one of my main personality traits has been politeness.

I might as well tell you why. It is really a defense mechanism. The way I see it, if I am polite and kind to others, then I won't be the victim of their anger and wraith.

Didn't work too well. In high school, I was still the nerd and the geek, and I was still physically and mentally abused for it. I barely stood up to my parents, just played the submissive child so that they would say what they needed to say and dismiss me immediately so that I could have some time alone. Teachers as well. Just agreed to what they said, do something else when they aren't around, and that was it. I gave people what they wanted, which was submission, kindness, and politeness.

And I was still walked all over.

As an adult, I look back and think 'if only I had the means to stand up for myself'. Only now am I learning these techniques, and once too often I felt that the only way one would listen is if I used my fists.

So I didn't learn much from the people in high school.

Oh well.

I've experimented on my boss, whom is a well known prat. First, I would be submissive if he was peeved about something, even if I was in the right. Even called him 'sir', because he likes it when his ego gets stroked. I give him exactly what a megalomaniac like himself wants; a feeling of power over someone.

Then on other times, I would do the opposite. If I was in the right, I would explain it to him clearly. Sometimes even do a demonstration (such was the case when he insisted one of the scrubbing machines wasn't leaking water).

What works better? Not sure. I personally like showing my boss that he's wrong, and that I am smarter than he is (no joke). However, I want him off my back.

Same goes for anyone I meet. I want to show my self worth by showing how smart I can really be. But when I'm stuck with someone who's smarter, or someone who doesn't care, it annoys me.

I'm sick of being submissive. But it does come in handy. With my friends, I want to be polite. Not only to get on their good side, but because I want to. So to my friends, don't mistake my servitude as a method of manipulation. Only the people I hate should worry about that.