lookingglassgirl

Though the things that I've been posting lately appear as though I am lost in a state of self-apathy...they make much more sense when the context of their origin is considered. Most of the sad poetry and lyrics revolve around my fleeting sense of self and the dreams I keep having about my father. And now I will include an excerpt from my personal journal. Despite my uncertainty of anyone actually reading this (because I know I have not been very social lately due to my intense studies) I hope that it will create a broader perspective of my inner world.

I have recently been thinking about the dualistic nature of my personality. Thinking back on my youth I remeber a time when I felt in control of myself- still far from feeling whole- but yet undivided. Then, when this other aspect emerged I was thrown into a chaotic frenzy which for the most part was by my own doing. I don't know if self-sabbotage is inherent in human nature or is just particular to certain individuals/personalities. Trying to deal with the ways I contradict myself seems to be a never-ending task which often leads me to wonder if my conclusions are substantial enough to be truth or if they are judt methods of self-deception again leading to my own secretly wished demise. Being able to justify one's actions and thoughts are the ways in which we construct our sense of self- but when these seemingly logical explanations become elusive we tend to lose a sense of
who we are- feeling lost and uncertain- like reality itself is artificial. Awareness does help but thought without action is invalid- every goal requies a frim conscious effort. And so I go on- trying to mesh these alternating aspects into a unified form. My hope is that I will achieve this union sooner than later, for I am restlessly anxious to move on to the next stage of my development.