Just like clockwork, here comes another stupid journal that realizes despite my attempts at change I am still the same depressed dolt that I have always been...maybe just adapting to this would be the best way to approach this life.
First and foremost I think I need to lay off of the bottle for a little while. It is a fun wave to ride for a few days at a time and when friends are around but come Sunday afternoon when we part for the week I am much worse off than when I first started. And this Sunday is extra tough because it marks the beginning of the semester...the semester that I promissed that things were gonna change. I said I was gonna get into school and not just show up and be another corpse in the back of the room. I mean I do well, corpse or not, but for the four years I've been at it all I have to show is good grades and credits. I have a a tendency not to get involved in stuff but I really need to at this point. I need to meet people who have the same goals and interests and I think more than anything I want to meet people who want to head in the direction that I am trying to send myself.
All my friends do art and music, they are good at it and that is great, it makes there shitty day jobs just a means to an end and they know it. But as I sit around working those same shitty jobs and drinking my time away I am wasting my opportunity to do something with my time in school...god knows I am not creating anything in my offtime as they are so I have nothing to show for myself and the path that I have choosen requires a somewhat different lifestyle than that which I am on.
I have managed to surround myself with a circle a very close friends, but so close that I never felt the need to branch out and now that I realize that is what I want I also realize that I I don't have the will to get out of bed let alone step into a bigger world.
Really though, this is something that I have known all along but as each year passes the concept that nothing will change unless I put myself out there crushes down a little harder...it's now or never but I know when I walk into those classes on Wednesday the overwhelming feeling that "I can't talk to any of these people" will kick me right in the fucking gut.
So that's that...I wish the ocean wasn't so cold around here or else I would go dive into it and at least have a natural reason for feeling so small, empty and alone.
EDITED TO SAY:
sorry, that was really depressing...here are some good/interesting things that are gonna go on or are going on.
-school (for better or worse) starts wednesday.
-so does work...ohhh I only get payed once month also. That should prove to be some fun budgeting.
-got a ticket to see Rilo Kiley in Sept. Although I didn't dig the new album nearly as much as the other two it is still a dream seeing them live.
-seeing Animal Collective, the Black Dice and Comets on Fire on Thursday.
-my roommate moved all his stuff in today and I have a couple weeks before he moves in for good to listen to his his 500+ records and play his synth that costs more than my car
All you I need is a fog machine and this place could be a dance club...a dance club with REALLY good music.
-gonna go take my bike into the city and sell some cloths and CDs tommorow and enjoy my last two days of freedom.
First and foremost I think I need to lay off of the bottle for a little while. It is a fun wave to ride for a few days at a time and when friends are around but come Sunday afternoon when we part for the week I am much worse off than when I first started. And this Sunday is extra tough because it marks the beginning of the semester...the semester that I promissed that things were gonna change. I said I was gonna get into school and not just show up and be another corpse in the back of the room. I mean I do well, corpse or not, but for the four years I've been at it all I have to show is good grades and credits. I have a a tendency not to get involved in stuff but I really need to at this point. I need to meet people who have the same goals and interests and I think more than anything I want to meet people who want to head in the direction that I am trying to send myself.
All my friends do art and music, they are good at it and that is great, it makes there shitty day jobs just a means to an end and they know it. But as I sit around working those same shitty jobs and drinking my time away I am wasting my opportunity to do something with my time in school...god knows I am not creating anything in my offtime as they are so I have nothing to show for myself and the path that I have choosen requires a somewhat different lifestyle than that which I am on.
I have managed to surround myself with a circle a very close friends, but so close that I never felt the need to branch out and now that I realize that is what I want I also realize that I I don't have the will to get out of bed let alone step into a bigger world.
Really though, this is something that I have known all along but as each year passes the concept that nothing will change unless I put myself out there crushes down a little harder...it's now or never but I know when I walk into those classes on Wednesday the overwhelming feeling that "I can't talk to any of these people" will kick me right in the fucking gut.
So that's that...I wish the ocean wasn't so cold around here or else I would go dive into it and at least have a natural reason for feeling so small, empty and alone.
EDITED TO SAY:
sorry, that was really depressing...here are some good/interesting things that are gonna go on or are going on.
-school (for better or worse) starts wednesday.
-so does work...ohhh I only get payed once month also. That should prove to be some fun budgeting.
-got a ticket to see Rilo Kiley in Sept. Although I didn't dig the new album nearly as much as the other two it is still a dream seeing them live.
-seeing Animal Collective, the Black Dice and Comets on Fire on Thursday.
-my roommate moved all his stuff in today and I have a couple weeks before he moves in for good to listen to his his 500+ records and play his synth that costs more than my car
All you I need is a fog machine and this place could be a dance club...a dance club with REALLY good music.
-gonna go take my bike into the city and sell some cloths and CDs tommorow and enjoy my last two days of freedom.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
fun part about rome was getting lost by myself for an hour and not being able to speak italian. thank god for the german tourists i found with a map.
as for the vespas, i want one so badly but im sure id kill myself by the second day.
good work on liking brave lil toaster
and yeah, figure 8 is an amazing cd.