Well... as of right about now it has been exactly one month since I decided to ask for help and finally make a choice to change my actions and life. Beyond just saying I will and telling myself I will, I've taken action and now I'm fighting to win- its my only option. I've had the tools and a way out all along and God has been there to help me, waiting for me to actually take the help thats available and utilize the resources at my fingertips.
I've put both feet in making solid attempts to improve relationships, create new ones, battle depression, and seek after God's definition sexual purity in its entirety (seriously the hardest thing ever!).
I'll now go over progress of each item listed above.
I have been trying to open up to the friends I have more. Now that my friends are in college its a little easier for me to talk to them about things. And also it is kind of bizarre when I talk to people and open up and these friends I've had for years and seen on a regular basis know nothing about my life and are a little surprised.
So far I've met 2 people trying to do the craigslist personals thing. There aren't that many people my age posting but when there is I respond. Replies have been a little discouraging though. I've met some really nice people though that I hope to keep hanging out with on occasion and building relationships. I desperately want to connect with people again as I currently feel so socially inept and disconnected from the rest of humanity. It's a start though right? I'll continue putting a honest effort into making more connections with people since I really want to hang out and meet people that I normally wouldn't associate with to get different views and maybe even pick up some new interests.
Overall mood has dramatically improved. I am trying to eat healthy (when I do remember to eat) and also make myself go out in the sunshine- once I am outside I thoroughly enjoy it, its just getting myself away from the computer or out of the office that is the difficult part. As the days grow shorter I will have to set aside more time and try even harder. I really have been a happier person.
And lastly, what many guys deal with as its in our nature- to maintain sexual purity. First off I'd like to apologize from the bottom of my heart- though I'm too much of a coward to tell the girls in person- for ever having touched or made out with any of you. I've degraded you as well as myself chasing after selfish gratification. While I'm pretty sure I'm the only person in the world that has a problem with these actions, I find them detestable and they have done harm. Women deserve to be loved and respected just as I do and should accept nothing less. I'm done settling for a few minutes of worthless gratification and have decided to focus myself on looking forward to loving and pouring every bit of myself out on the beautiful wife I'll one day have. I want my eye's to not lust after other women, I want to be able to give myself out completely just as she deserves and for her to know that she's special and that I have been looking forward to her and reserving myself for her years in advance before I even know who she is. Since I made the decision to change a month ago I have not watched any porn, I haven't even masturbated. Every now and again images will come into my mind or my dreams. Last night they started but I woke up and cried out to God to make it stop and now I just fight the thoughts or flee. I'm know as a man it's probably a battle I'll have to fight every day for the rest of my life, but its something important to me and I fully intend on keeping on this path.
All of this has also done wonders for my own self-worth and image which has caused many other issues. All will be mended in time God be willing, or I'll die trying.
I want to be a man like Job and have God call me "blameless and upright" or "a man after God's own heart" like David. When I read that I can feel my eyes start to swell up because I want to be that so badly.
Its only been a month and I know there will probably be alot more difficult circumstances up ahead so I know to not let my guard down since this is only the start. I want this month to turn into a year, a year into a decade, and into a lifetime.
I've put both feet in making solid attempts to improve relationships, create new ones, battle depression, and seek after God's definition sexual purity in its entirety (seriously the hardest thing ever!).
I'll now go over progress of each item listed above.
I have been trying to open up to the friends I have more. Now that my friends are in college its a little easier for me to talk to them about things. And also it is kind of bizarre when I talk to people and open up and these friends I've had for years and seen on a regular basis know nothing about my life and are a little surprised.
So far I've met 2 people trying to do the craigslist personals thing. There aren't that many people my age posting but when there is I respond. Replies have been a little discouraging though. I've met some really nice people though that I hope to keep hanging out with on occasion and building relationships. I desperately want to connect with people again as I currently feel so socially inept and disconnected from the rest of humanity. It's a start though right? I'll continue putting a honest effort into making more connections with people since I really want to hang out and meet people that I normally wouldn't associate with to get different views and maybe even pick up some new interests.
Overall mood has dramatically improved. I am trying to eat healthy (when I do remember to eat) and also make myself go out in the sunshine- once I am outside I thoroughly enjoy it, its just getting myself away from the computer or out of the office that is the difficult part. As the days grow shorter I will have to set aside more time and try even harder. I really have been a happier person.
And lastly, what many guys deal with as its in our nature- to maintain sexual purity. First off I'd like to apologize from the bottom of my heart- though I'm too much of a coward to tell the girls in person- for ever having touched or made out with any of you. I've degraded you as well as myself chasing after selfish gratification. While I'm pretty sure I'm the only person in the world that has a problem with these actions, I find them detestable and they have done harm. Women deserve to be loved and respected just as I do and should accept nothing less. I'm done settling for a few minutes of worthless gratification and have decided to focus myself on looking forward to loving and pouring every bit of myself out on the beautiful wife I'll one day have. I want my eye's to not lust after other women, I want to be able to give myself out completely just as she deserves and for her to know that she's special and that I have been looking forward to her and reserving myself for her years in advance before I even know who she is. Since I made the decision to change a month ago I have not watched any porn, I haven't even masturbated. Every now and again images will come into my mind or my dreams. Last night they started but I woke up and cried out to God to make it stop and now I just fight the thoughts or flee. I'm know as a man it's probably a battle I'll have to fight every day for the rest of my life, but its something important to me and I fully intend on keeping on this path.
All of this has also done wonders for my own self-worth and image which has caused many other issues. All will be mended in time God be willing, or I'll die trying.
I want to be a man like Job and have God call me "blameless and upright" or "a man after God's own heart" like David. When I read that I can feel my eyes start to swell up because I want to be that so badly.
Its only been a month and I know there will probably be alot more difficult circumstances up ahead so I know to not let my guard down since this is only the start. I want this month to turn into a year, a year into a decade, and into a lifetime.
stellae:
Hello, thanks for your comment on my set, i wish you the best coffee ever!