Well... I broke up with Alanna last night, after consideration over the past couple days. It was a lot more difficult than expected but I felt it was necessary, even I cried. I'll try to give a detailed review of what happened as best as I can recall.
I woke up in a bad mood yesterday extremely frustrated about my failures and innability to be happy and create the time to do what I enjoy or provide the time and attention Alanna needed and deserved. I feel that staying with her in my current mental state would be detrimental to both of us.
I was quite successful in ruining her night as I had to get up at 4:45 this morning to go to work so I wanted to go home and sleep and she got upset that I was in a bad mood and just went to sleep instead of spending time with her.
I felt pretty awful since she was already crying when I told her on my way taking her home that "I don't feel like I can be in a relationship, I can't give you the attention you need. I'm trying my best but I can't do enough." And then she proceeded to burst into tears saying "I knew this would happen." And then she said "you still love Robyn don't you" and I couldn't help but start to cry though I could only shake my head yes and not answer since I really didn't want to answer though I want to maintain complete honesty. And so then as we were at her house she wanted to "be anywhere but here" so I found a place to park and talk with her for a little while. I explained that I'm indefinitely unhappy and I care and don't want to make her life miserable. She then protested that I didn't make her miserable and instead made her exceedingly happy despite occasional frustrations and hearing her say "why do you hate yourself so much" was very difficult to take as all I could cry was "I don't know why." And I told her I need some time to figure some things out and try and fix some issues, which is exactly what I hope to do, that or lose myself further in my own anger, and bitterness- time will tell. She made me promise that I'd still hang out with her (which I agreed and plan on hanging out on Saturday) and asked if there is a chance for us to try later, and I said I don't really know what will happen. And since she didn't want to go home I dropped her off at her friends house.
I definitely have some demons in my head to deal with. I guess I need to fix my self hatred problem and convince myself otherwise that I'm not the vile scum of the Earth deserving nothing better than suffering and that some good can come out of this life. I don't believe any of that though and find thinking anything else of myself is preposterous.
I woke up in a bad mood yesterday extremely frustrated about my failures and innability to be happy and create the time to do what I enjoy or provide the time and attention Alanna needed and deserved. I feel that staying with her in my current mental state would be detrimental to both of us.
I was quite successful in ruining her night as I had to get up at 4:45 this morning to go to work so I wanted to go home and sleep and she got upset that I was in a bad mood and just went to sleep instead of spending time with her.
I felt pretty awful since she was already crying when I told her on my way taking her home that "I don't feel like I can be in a relationship, I can't give you the attention you need. I'm trying my best but I can't do enough." And then she proceeded to burst into tears saying "I knew this would happen." And then she said "you still love Robyn don't you" and I couldn't help but start to cry though I could only shake my head yes and not answer since I really didn't want to answer though I want to maintain complete honesty. And so then as we were at her house she wanted to "be anywhere but here" so I found a place to park and talk with her for a little while. I explained that I'm indefinitely unhappy and I care and don't want to make her life miserable. She then protested that I didn't make her miserable and instead made her exceedingly happy despite occasional frustrations and hearing her say "why do you hate yourself so much" was very difficult to take as all I could cry was "I don't know why." And I told her I need some time to figure some things out and try and fix some issues, which is exactly what I hope to do, that or lose myself further in my own anger, and bitterness- time will tell. She made me promise that I'd still hang out with her (which I agreed and plan on hanging out on Saturday) and asked if there is a chance for us to try later, and I said I don't really know what will happen. And since she didn't want to go home I dropped her off at her friends house.
I definitely have some demons in my head to deal with. I guess I need to fix my self hatred problem and convince myself otherwise that I'm not the vile scum of the Earth deserving nothing better than suffering and that some good can come out of this life. I don't believe any of that though and find thinking anything else of myself is preposterous.
kirara367:
At least you didn't decide to string her along knowing you couldn't give 100% to her. I think that's proof enough that you're definitely not scum of the earth. However, you're SUPER right in saying that you have issues to deal with... but at least you know it. It sucks that things fell apart like they did but it sounds like you couldn't have handled it any better.