lonelyhearted

It's been a while, I dont even know where to start. My life has fallen apart around me in the last 2 weeks. The person i trusted the most betrayed me apparently because she was stressed out from school and my problems. She decided she didn't want me around anymore and got an ex parte baker act order on me (for those who dont the baker act is a florida law allowing people to be involuntarily committed for mental evaluations for up 72 hours). I had no warning, two sheriff's deputies knocked on the door and put me in handcuffs and then took me to the hospital. She flat out lied and exagerated her statement on the paper work, It never should have been granted I wasn't even close to needing that. If she had done it 6 weeks ago i wouldnt have questioned it. She just up and decided that I was a danger to myself so she went and did the paperwork. She also tried to get a restraining order on me which was also full of lies and her saying she was afraid of me. For someone who was afraid of me she sure had no problem standing next to me and interacting with me.

The order was denied at the iniital hearing because she couldnt even establish the smallest basis for it. To top it all of they kicked me out of the house, I got let out of the hospital friday afternoon saturday morning I moved to a new place. I trusted her so much, we were such good friends and its all gone now. Being in the hospital sucked. The whole time I was there I was insisting that I didnt need to be there and after two days the doctor agreed but he still held me for the 72 hours. I was having panic attacks because I was there. They made you go to group therapy sessions which were retarded, seriously how is coloring pictures from a coloring book while listening to crappy music supposed be theraputic. All that did was anger me.

Everything is so fucked up know. I just want to crawl in a whole and never come out. I actually sat in my closet for an hour yesterday trying to hide, then I ended up sleeping in it last night. I dont know what to do or how to cope. My old roommates were the only friends I had here, I dont have anyone else to turn to and I have always had trouble making new friends. I sat here alone friday and saturday night and it sucked. I want to be drugged up so that I wont care about anything. To top it all off, between being locked up and the moving and unpacking I lost 5 days of being able to work on school stuff which pretty much fucked me. Im so far behind and there are only two weeks left in the semester. Plus I'm so mentally out of it right now that I can hardly get any of the work done, Im just completely unable to function.

Last night I cut myself. Not in an effort to kill myself just in effort to feel some pain. I started small with just two lines but that turned into several more and I end up trying to make a little design out of it. Everything just sucks right now. I should call my counselor she is the only person I can be honest with anymore. My whole family knows about my issues now which I didn't want them to know to start with. They are the majority of the reason I was depressed anyways. Now there all up in my business and call me 10 times a day all asking the same retarded questions. I cant believe Lindsey betrayed me like that, all because she was stressed out or at least thats what she claims. Did she not think about the consequences it would have for me.

Uh I just want these next few weeks to get over with, get my school work done and go home and get my back surgery taken care of. Then maybe I can get back up here and start over.