lonelyhearted

Well I guess it's time for a new blog, there are a lot of updates and happenings since the last.

To start with thursday last week I began a break down. I crashed all weekend and saturday night things went really bad. I was fully prepared to end it all, I was done with it and I just didn't want to suffer any more. The only thing that stopped me was my roommate. She new I was down, but didn't realize how bad it was till later when I told her. Anyways she knew i was down and she sent me a text saying that she was worried about me and that she cared for me, then she sent one asking me to promise her that i wouldn't do anything stupid and that I would be ok. It was at that point that I really realized that I had someone that loved me and decided not to do it. I told her what happened the next day and she couldn't believe it. I broke down in tears when I began telling her and she was right there to support me and gave me the best hug i have ever had. She couldn't believe that her simple action had the results they did. She sat with me while I called my therapist to tell her what happened and talk through it. I made the promise to Lindsey that I wouldn't hurt myself and that if I felt like I was going to I would come to her immediately so she could get me somewhere safe. I put it in writing to her in a long ass letter that I wrote to her, she read the letter and the card that was with it and began to cry, she came in my room with tears rolling down her face and I started balling with her. She saved my life and has been there for me when I needed her the most and I can never repay her for what she has done for me.

I went to therapy on tuesday, and we talked about what happened over the weekend some more. We discussed the fact that if I had done something stupid it was going to involve eating a bullet and she asked me to get rid of the gun or at least do something so that I couldn't use it. So I agreed to take it apart and give some of the pieces to Lindsey for her to hide from me. As soon as she got home from work I did that and felt better afterwards, it actually gave me a small sense of power that I could overcome that and take measures to make sure I dont get in that situation again. I just cant thank Lindsey enough for the strength she has shown with all of this also. I have dropped this all in her lap and she has been totally supportive and willing to help. Even going as far as hiding the pills from me and only giving me what I'm supposed to take and now having the responsibility of hiding parts of a handgun in her room so I cant take that final step. Seriously how awesome is she. We talked about some other things and she gave me her input on diagnosis, Major clinical depression, already knew that though. She explained her plan for treatment which is cognitive behavioral therapy. She gave some literature on it and suggested that if I was willing to try antidepressants also that it would be a big help so I have an appointment for tuesday to see a doctor about that. Ironically the doctor I was referred to is the same doctor that gave me all those pills that I had to give Lindsey because I was taking way more than I should. She gave me some homework for the week. I am supposed to track my sleep pattern for the week and I will be doing that for several weeks. She also had me make a list with one activity for each day that I enjoy or might get pleasure from. I'm supposed to try and accomplish them all but she said if I only got 1 or 2 done then that was fine that I have to start somewhere and things are bad enough right now that I find pleasure in almost nothing. So far I think I have actually accomplished 3 of the things. I'm not feeling better by any means but Im taking each day one at a time.

I was supposed to go visit my grandparents this weekend but I didn't go because i lacked the will to drive there. I also felt as if I may have been tempted to swerve into a bridge pilling at high speed so I figured staying home would be better. Lindsey encouraged it also when I mentioned bridge pilling and high speed. It hasn't been a horrible weekend, she got me out f the house fr a while today. Went out shopping for a bit and then to see a movie, The other Boleyn Sister, it was a total chick flick but I didn't care it got me away from here and I was with her. She is like my safety blanket.

I have a lot to work on but with time I'm hoping things will improve. I have told all my professors what is going on because I was missing a lot of class and monday I was sitting in a class and before it started I freaked out and left. I couldn't sit there I was to much of a wreck. THey have all been very supportive and encouraged me to take time for myself and not worry about the classes that my health is more important. SO at least that has all been positive for me. But anyways I have typed enough for now. I just took some tylenol pm and can feel it starting to work so Im going to crash. I will talk to you all later.