Well.. I guess I'm feeling a little more in touch with reality. Sometimes I get in this mind frame where I don't know if I'm really still alive. Like - things seem so.. distant. So out of touch. I feel so... lost.
But I'm back now. Well.. partially really. I don't think I'm ever truly BACK. I'm always somewhat gone.. always vaguely withdrawn. As though I'm in an ocean of solitude where only every once in awhile I allow my boat to dock. Then rarely will I let anyone aboard and if they ever do I don't allow them to stay long.. afraid that they'll see my broken bow and shredded sails. And as they wave to me from the shore I silently weep inside.. anticipating the somber emptiness that awaits me. As I slowly drift away toward the horizon in the midnight current they yell to me from the shore.. 'Come back.. don't go.. I want to know you!". The tears seem to flow backwards into me.. dripping down into my soul so only I can feel the sadness that slowly begins to envelop me like the crisp night air. Emotions pouring inward so that no one can know the desolation that lives inside of me.. the pure self-repulsion that feeds of my every breath. The utter annihilation of my very soul done by no one other than me. And through the years they took little pieces of me .. one-by-one.. slowly chipping away at the little self that I still held possessed until there was such a minute piece left that I swallowed myself whole with my own self-destruction... and was back to square one. Alone.. and empty.. and utterly detached.
But for now I'm anchored mere yards from the shore.. debating on whether or not I'm ready to dock. So there I stay.. rocking back and forth as the gentle waves slowly splash against the sides.. remaining in a state of uncertainty.
But I'm back now. Well.. partially really. I don't think I'm ever truly BACK. I'm always somewhat gone.. always vaguely withdrawn. As though I'm in an ocean of solitude where only every once in awhile I allow my boat to dock. Then rarely will I let anyone aboard and if they ever do I don't allow them to stay long.. afraid that they'll see my broken bow and shredded sails. And as they wave to me from the shore I silently weep inside.. anticipating the somber emptiness that awaits me. As I slowly drift away toward the horizon in the midnight current they yell to me from the shore.. 'Come back.. don't go.. I want to know you!". The tears seem to flow backwards into me.. dripping down into my soul so only I can feel the sadness that slowly begins to envelop me like the crisp night air. Emotions pouring inward so that no one can know the desolation that lives inside of me.. the pure self-repulsion that feeds of my every breath. The utter annihilation of my very soul done by no one other than me. And through the years they took little pieces of me .. one-by-one.. slowly chipping away at the little self that I still held possessed until there was such a minute piece left that I swallowed myself whole with my own self-destruction... and was back to square one. Alone.. and empty.. and utterly detached.
But for now I'm anchored mere yards from the shore.. debating on whether or not I'm ready to dock. So there I stay.. rocking back and forth as the gentle waves slowly splash against the sides.. remaining in a state of uncertainty.
thank you
BillnJenni Journal 10/17