A day in the mind of me:
Thinking I might relent and start using sunscreen. For anyone who knows me, this is a huge turn-around. I have to ease myself into it, as in SPF 1 and only on my shoulders (and tats) since they are the peeling and gross-out flaking beasts that inspired this whole thing. (Not the tats, the shoulders.)
According to my friend's mom per my assertion that Indians don't get skin cancer, American Indians are in fact less likely to get skin cancer than most other ethnicities (meaning white) but when they get it, its usually very severe. And I was all, well yeah, any Native who has managed to fry themselves into a state of skin cancer must have it bad. Its all or nothin baby. Then I wondered what tribes were represented in this report, being that most ignoramuses assume we are the same critter- because it would seem to me that "Eskimos", who do not even consider them selves "Native American" by-the-way, would probably be the ones more likely to get skin cancer since they are more on the "fair" side, as well as those crazy Cherokees (no disrespect intended) and all other mongrel mutts for that matter, like the 1/8ths and 4/32nds and what not -which brings us back around to me, who is one of those aforementioned pedigrees who might just be touting enough white and/or European blood to end up the unlucky 2%. In short, I'm going to use sunscreen.
Which leads us into topic number 2.
While some people get big male dogs to keep them in shape and on the up-side of hot, I have just purchased a zebra print Brazilian thong bikini. If that bitch isn't enough to get my ass a runnin' I might as well just pack it in a go the ho-ho route. As It is, I already feel a Britney-esque tummy coming on. Probably due to some idiot's wise advice that if you eat more meals your metabolism speeds up. That and today was the first day I've purchased groceries in about a month, which means I have been consuming other people's mercy, which in turn means carbs and beer. Anyway, I digress. The thong bikini presents a small conundrum (sexy vocab word huh?) because I got it mainly so that in places where I am, regretfully, required to wear bathing attire I can still get a nice tan on my big ass. Because American bikinis are like granny panties, or Heaven forbid, diapers, and there is nothing, in my opinion, worse than a hotly tanned body and a sub-par, white tush.
Of course you realize the conundrum lays in topic number one where I all but renounce tanning for fear of becoming one of those terrifying old Texans you see around who (where I come from at least) wear too much cheap turquoise and look about as leathery as their overprices boots, only more orange. Yuck! I mean total gross-out! Who wants to be the hag?! Or just as bad, the scrawny hippie momma that free-loved her saggy tits though two stoned decades sun-block-free and now looks like the crypt-keeper!
Its just so tough being fabulous all the time... there are so many logistics to work out...
However, on a more positive note, I am totally loofa-whipped, yeah, thats right, my loofa has me by the balls! I can't help it, its just so divine. Not only that but its so long and well girthed! I tingle all over from it and feel more refreshed than I have in eons. (For all you boys, I'm speaking about a loofa sponge, google it if you don't know.) I just bought it today at the mecca of corporate enlightenment (I'm being facetious of course) along with a little brush for your nails (all natural fibers and such) and the most glorious pumice stone for my beastly little toes... oh yes and a facial loofa, which is like this little pad with an extra soft loofa on it. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen let me tell you whats up, loofa is whats up! If you need a little pick-me-up of just need to score some points with your main squeeze, boogy on down to your local health food emporium and get in on this action. Its cheap and full of lasting rewards, like baby soft skin and eternal youth.
Ok, I'm out.
But remember one thing.
LOOOOOFFFFFFFAAAAAAA
Thinking I might relent and start using sunscreen. For anyone who knows me, this is a huge turn-around. I have to ease myself into it, as in SPF 1 and only on my shoulders (and tats) since they are the peeling and gross-out flaking beasts that inspired this whole thing. (Not the tats, the shoulders.)
According to my friend's mom per my assertion that Indians don't get skin cancer, American Indians are in fact less likely to get skin cancer than most other ethnicities (meaning white) but when they get it, its usually very severe. And I was all, well yeah, any Native who has managed to fry themselves into a state of skin cancer must have it bad. Its all or nothin baby. Then I wondered what tribes were represented in this report, being that most ignoramuses assume we are the same critter- because it would seem to me that "Eskimos", who do not even consider them selves "Native American" by-the-way, would probably be the ones more likely to get skin cancer since they are more on the "fair" side, as well as those crazy Cherokees (no disrespect intended) and all other mongrel mutts for that matter, like the 1/8ths and 4/32nds and what not -which brings us back around to me, who is one of those aforementioned pedigrees who might just be touting enough white and/or European blood to end up the unlucky 2%. In short, I'm going to use sunscreen.
Which leads us into topic number 2.
While some people get big male dogs to keep them in shape and on the up-side of hot, I have just purchased a zebra print Brazilian thong bikini. If that bitch isn't enough to get my ass a runnin' I might as well just pack it in a go the ho-ho route. As It is, I already feel a Britney-esque tummy coming on. Probably due to some idiot's wise advice that if you eat more meals your metabolism speeds up. That and today was the first day I've purchased groceries in about a month, which means I have been consuming other people's mercy, which in turn means carbs and beer. Anyway, I digress. The thong bikini presents a small conundrum (sexy vocab word huh?) because I got it mainly so that in places where I am, regretfully, required to wear bathing attire I can still get a nice tan on my big ass. Because American bikinis are like granny panties, or Heaven forbid, diapers, and there is nothing, in my opinion, worse than a hotly tanned body and a sub-par, white tush.
Of course you realize the conundrum lays in topic number one where I all but renounce tanning for fear of becoming one of those terrifying old Texans you see around who (where I come from at least) wear too much cheap turquoise and look about as leathery as their overprices boots, only more orange. Yuck! I mean total gross-out! Who wants to be the hag?! Or just as bad, the scrawny hippie momma that free-loved her saggy tits though two stoned decades sun-block-free and now looks like the crypt-keeper!
Its just so tough being fabulous all the time... there are so many logistics to work out...
However, on a more positive note, I am totally loofa-whipped, yeah, thats right, my loofa has me by the balls! I can't help it, its just so divine. Not only that but its so long and well girthed! I tingle all over from it and feel more refreshed than I have in eons. (For all you boys, I'm speaking about a loofa sponge, google it if you don't know.) I just bought it today at the mecca of corporate enlightenment (I'm being facetious of course) along with a little brush for your nails (all natural fibers and such) and the most glorious pumice stone for my beastly little toes... oh yes and a facial loofa, which is like this little pad with an extra soft loofa on it. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen let me tell you whats up, loofa is whats up! If you need a little pick-me-up of just need to score some points with your main squeeze, boogy on down to your local health food emporium and get in on this action. Its cheap and full of lasting rewards, like baby soft skin and eternal youth.
Ok, I'm out.
But remember one thing.
LOOOOOFFFFFFFAAAAAAA
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
LMAO!
Helena Bonahm Carter is in ABQ filming Terminator 4.
Yup..too awesome.