so lets see, um new post cause its been a good bit since i have really been on. well good stuff first. I'm doing great in school so far, only one more semester to go. and I just had a great weekend spending time with my katie. She is great. I cant seem to get enough of her.
as for the bad. I think something is wrong with me. my emotions have really been messing with me lately. first off i have been randomly getting very nervous to the point i feel as if i am going to vomit. and i do mean random. these moments of nervousness come at any time. and really i dont think i have anything to worry about. I got one thing that bothers me, but i dont really see why that would cause me to start feeling so nervous. expecially when at some point the only thing i can see my self being nervous about is nowere near. i probly need to sit with someone and talk about all whats getting to me, or wrong and see how i can fix it. only problem is that this is about all i got. I got no problem writing it in here cause noone is going to read it. Any body i can talk to i dunno if i really wanna tell them all this. one they would look at me like im stupid, or two it may change how they feel about me. my concensus is that I am mentaly fucked in the head when it comes to my relationships with people. dont get me wrong the relationship (relationships) i have is great. I'm the happiest I have been in a long long time. but still one thing haunts me still, and i cant shake it. it seems that no matter how much i care about someone or feel that i trust them, some part of me keeps telling me that they will do the same to me as everyone else. that they will play me for the full I am and hurt me all over again. so what anyone that would read this would say (i know) is, so what we all have been hurt and thats just how it goes, people cheat people lie thats reality, its a risk we have to take. yea no shit i know that, and as for all the times up till the past year, i would agree perfectly, but i guess after the last time i royaly got messed up in the head. almost ever time i have taken advice and I showed trust to someone, they took it and ran with it, abused it, and tried to make it look like they were only gaining a new guy friend. and truthfully i am pretty much positive that if that ever happens again, i will not be able to take it. i have seen and experienced to many time a guy who was only a "friend" was more or a one night stand happened when is shouldn't have, and ect. and after you get screwed over more than 5 times you begin to think mabey it you, mabey there is something wrong with you. so where is all of this going and whats bothing me, hmmm, its the fact that i cant shake the fear that the girl im with now will do the same to me. when she isnt with me, and expecially when she is with her guy friends, it scares the living shit out of me. the really sad part behind it though is she is total diffrent than the other(s). she's the most dedicated and trustworthy person i have ever known. but i still dought somehow. and i want to get the fear out of me head. cause i know trust is a huge part of a relationship, and i dont want to loose her over my paranoia. she is everything that im looking for and i do love her. and i want us to work, but if i dont show trust then i'm screwed. god i hope she doesnt find this lol. anyways, i dont want our relationship to suffer because of what happend to me in the past. i want this relationship to work, not to fail. i want it to be my last relationship (in the good way). the one that last, and grows into something great. not the one that crashes and burns again. but the only way that going to happen is if i can fix this one problem. i dont know how to though. my biggest fear is to loose her and if i keep this up i just may do that. i cant loose the person i love and who balances me out perfectly.
as for the bad. I think something is wrong with me. my emotions have really been messing with me lately. first off i have been randomly getting very nervous to the point i feel as if i am going to vomit. and i do mean random. these moments of nervousness come at any time. and really i dont think i have anything to worry about. I got one thing that bothers me, but i dont really see why that would cause me to start feeling so nervous. expecially when at some point the only thing i can see my self being nervous about is nowere near. i probly need to sit with someone and talk about all whats getting to me, or wrong and see how i can fix it. only problem is that this is about all i got. I got no problem writing it in here cause noone is going to read it. Any body i can talk to i dunno if i really wanna tell them all this. one they would look at me like im stupid, or two it may change how they feel about me. my concensus is that I am mentaly fucked in the head when it comes to my relationships with people. dont get me wrong the relationship (relationships) i have is great. I'm the happiest I have been in a long long time. but still one thing haunts me still, and i cant shake it. it seems that no matter how much i care about someone or feel that i trust them, some part of me keeps telling me that they will do the same to me as everyone else. that they will play me for the full I am and hurt me all over again. so what anyone that would read this would say (i know) is, so what we all have been hurt and thats just how it goes, people cheat people lie thats reality, its a risk we have to take. yea no shit i know that, and as for all the times up till the past year, i would agree perfectly, but i guess after the last time i royaly got messed up in the head. almost ever time i have taken advice and I showed trust to someone, they took it and ran with it, abused it, and tried to make it look like they were only gaining a new guy friend. and truthfully i am pretty much positive that if that ever happens again, i will not be able to take it. i have seen and experienced to many time a guy who was only a "friend" was more or a one night stand happened when is shouldn't have, and ect. and after you get screwed over more than 5 times you begin to think mabey it you, mabey there is something wrong with you. so where is all of this going and whats bothing me, hmmm, its the fact that i cant shake the fear that the girl im with now will do the same to me. when she isnt with me, and expecially when she is with her guy friends, it scares the living shit out of me. the really sad part behind it though is she is total diffrent than the other(s). she's the most dedicated and trustworthy person i have ever known. but i still dought somehow. and i want to get the fear out of me head. cause i know trust is a huge part of a relationship, and i dont want to loose her over my paranoia. she is everything that im looking for and i do love her. and i want us to work, but if i dont show trust then i'm screwed. god i hope she doesnt find this lol. anyways, i dont want our relationship to suffer because of what happend to me in the past. i want this relationship to work, not to fail. i want it to be my last relationship (in the good way). the one that last, and grows into something great. not the one that crashes and burns again. but the only way that going to happen is if i can fix this one problem. i dont know how to though. my biggest fear is to loose her and if i keep this up i just may do that. i cant loose the person i love and who balances me out perfectly.