llewella

OUR LAND

Once upon a time, in a land near away, there was a dashing prince who was the sexiest in all the land. He was known as William The Willy Wonder, for he had what could be considered much of a muchness in the art of love making.

William The Willy Wonder was not like other princes. Whilst his comrades were off slaying dragons and climbing hair, William spent much of his time pondering the state of the world, the state of the female form and what a state he felt his was place in it. Indeed, William was just as courageous and daring as his fellow princes; though he encountered his demons dragons and damsels in distress in the devilish realms of His Mind.

For those of you who have not heard of His Mind, let me warn you of it. It is a vast land, of great treachery; though unlike the stinking marshes of Mordor or the thorny forest of Sleeping Beauty's castle, it entailed the most beautiful of landscapes; to see it was a sight that truly only the heavens behold. It was beautiful because everything was just right - every word spoken was precise, every design of craftsmanship was of perfect portion. Everything was right... right angled, that is.

There is one way to know for certain you have set foot in the land of His Mind, which is this - everything, everywhere, is square. The trees, the stones, no winding forest paths- oh no!- my, even the plates were square, with the knife and spoon and fork as square as square can be! And look, oh look, if you look upon the darkening sky, with stars glinting like changing (square) traffic lights, you look upon a moon, but not a round moon, but one with four corners and four sides!

The wonder of His Mind has been known far and wide... and for those few who have seen it, they talk in whispers of the intrigue and intricacies.

So how could such a beautiful land as His Mind be so treacherous, you ask? Well, let me tell you.

One square morning, when the square sun shone surely and the square birds squawked smartly, a stranger entered the borders of His Mind. He was a very mysterious stranger, and unbeknown to the square creatures... he was a sorcerer! His name was Doubt The Dreadful, and you might remember him from such tales as Waynes World, where his powers of influence almost made the rockers not believe in their incredible rock and roll talent and out of this world women pulling powers; it even made them doubt their friendship, which is totally no way excellent.

Yes, Doubt was a wicked sorcerer, who showed no mercy to even the most righteous and right angled of places.

Not too soon after Doubt The Dreadful entered His Mind, and was strolling down the square paved path of the square forest, remarking at the precision of the square leaves on the square branches, the sun, the ever watchful guardian of the land, spotted him through the square cracks in the tree tops.

"Lo! Who goes there?!" roared the sun.

"It isn't I" replied Doubt.

"Isn't I...?" spoke the sun, "Who are you Isn't I, and where are you from?"

"I am not what I seem, and I am from here and maybe there... though I would not be sure of that."

The sun was fascinated. It was not used to things not being as they seemed. In the land of His Mind everything was always just right, just the right way, just the right size, and right as it should seem.

"But if you are not what you seem, then how can you know what seems? Isn't it very confusing?" asked the sun.

"Oh no! It is a very merry way to be, oh yes, it is wonderful to not know anything for sure... well, at least I think I know it to perhaps be."

The sun thought about this. "But isn't it very awkward not to be anything for definite? I mean, how do you know for definite you aren't for definite?"

"Well you definitely know, that is, if knowing is not knowing. For example, how do you know you are a sun? Because everyone tells you you are a sun? What does it mean to be a sun? If I were you I would feel very lonely, always being known, always knowing, when really you don't know anything for sure."

"Oh no!" beamed the sun. "Oh no, it IS a pleasant way to be, truly it is... I mean, I think it is... if I am really a sun... which I am sure I am... or else why would I shine so?"

" Well, the moon shines. Who is to say you are not the moon?" And Doubt sniggered, for he knew he had the sun right (wrong) where he wanted him.

The sun was very troubled. He was not used to being doubted.

"Say Isn't You, what is it you see? Am I a sun, or am I am moon?"

" I see neither." replied Doubt. " All I see is a shape in the sky, maybe round maybe straight, who is not a sun nor a moon."

"Maybe round!?" gasped the sun. "Oh there you are truly mistaken. You see I am SQUARE. Everything is square here, in the land of His Mind."

"A square? What a load of bollocks. Everyone knows, suns are circle... and so are moons... so if you are square, you are DEFINITELY (not for definite) neither sun nor moon.... that is to say, if everyone knowing is indeed everyone knowing and if a circle is indeed a circle."

The sun began to panic. What was he ever to do? If he was square, then he wasn't a sun, and he wasn't a moon... but if he wasn't a sun and wasn't a moon then what was he meant to do, up there in the sky? Or if he was a sun, or was a moon, then everyone thought him to be circle, which would mean he didn't belong in the land of His Mind, with its square this and square that.

"Why would everyone think that a sun or moon isn't meant to be square? Why would I have to be circle?"

"Well that's just the thing" chuckled Doubt. "You don't know. You don't know if you are a sun, or a moon, and if you are you don't know if you are meant to be square or circle... but I have my word, if it's one thing I do know, it's that a sun is DEFINITELY (not for definite) circle,that is to say, that if circle is indeed circle..."

Oh, Doubt The Dreadful was a wicked sorcerer. Do you see what he has done? He made the sun uncertain, and there is nothing worse than uncertainty in a land where everything is righteous and right angled and right. Suddenly the sun felt very unsure of himself. He suddenly felt he couldn't stay in the sky and do his job... because what if he wasn't a sun, but a moon? Or what if he wasn't square like everyone and everything else?

And so the sun, under the spell of Doubt, dropped out of the sky... and the land of His Mind fell into a morbid darkness. Even the moon could not light up with all her square might as without the sun how was she to know it was night time or day time? Oh it was dreadful alright. And that wicked wicked Doubt laughed all the way home.

And so this is the story of how Doubt tricked the beautiful land of His Mind into darkness and uncertainty. Suddenly no one was sure if they were square or not, because without the sun they could not see each other. Nothing seemed right or right angled and they all felt right confused.

Many days or maybe nights passed, months or maybe years. Then one day, another stranger, who had heard of the beauty of His Mind, and had dreamt in her wildest dreams of being lucky enough to venture there, by chance stumbled into this dark and doubtful land. She wasn't just any stranger though- oh no- she was Princess Sunny, or Sunny The Certain. She was known as Sunny The Certain as she was much of a muchness when it came to determining the world. Yes, she was a determined princess all right.

Sunny The Certain was not like other princesses. Whilst her friend princesses were off being rescued and delicate she spent much of her time determining the state of the world, the state of male population and the state of her place in it. Indeed Sunny was as fragile and whimsical as her friends; though she flailed feeble in the forgotten realms of Her Mind.

Her Mind was a land that could not be described as ugly or beautiful, as it was both extremely ugly and extremely beautiful at the same time. In Her Mind everything had an opposite, and everything was complementary.

There was a path that ran right through the middle of Her Mind. One can see on the left side all the good and gracious and beautiful; on the other all the fears and follies and ugliness. It was a land that was very interesting to encounter, but most people didn't want to stay there too long, because long would then mean you had to be there a short time and so on and so on.

You could always tell when you arrived in the land of Her Mind because everything was in the shade. Even the sun was in the shade and wore SPF 50+. The fact she was called Sunny thus then became a bit of a cruel joke.

So it was certainly fate's beckoning that such a certain girl should ascertain her uncertain foot in an uncertain land.

"How dark it is. I quite like the shade but this is just ridiculous" she determined. "And yet I know that if there is darkness there must too somewhere be light, for I am from the land of Her Mind, where we are certain all things are opposites."

And so she set about her search for light. She felt her way around the beautiful right angles of the forest until she heard a shout.

"Watch where you are going! If it is you are going anywhere at all..."

"Gracious! I beg your pardon, but I can't see a thing!"

"Well yes... but it's for the better anyway, because there is no way of ever knowing what you see is what you see."

"What a load of shit!" retorted Sunny. "Of course you can know what you see is what you see, I am certain of that!"

"How are you certain? " squeaked the voice. "I was certain once, but now I feel unsure if anything is sure anymore."

"Well, it's very simple really. You know what is what by knowing what is not. For example, you know you are happy if you are not sad."

"I've never thought of it like that...."

Have you guessed? The talking square encounter in the dark was actually the sun and already the spell of Doubt The Dreadful was beginning to wane...

"Please help me!" cried the Sun. "I do not know who I am, and have been in such a fix for such a time. Tell me, how do you know who you are?"

Sunny The Certain thought and thought.

"I know who I am by knowing who I am not and who I do not want to be."

That was it. The sun thought. He knew he was the sun... because he knew the moon, who wasn't him. If there there was a moon, then surely he is the sun.

But what of being square? All he ever knew was square, how was he to know if he was circle or square?

"Tell me, stranger, how would I know if I was a square?"

"Oh, you certainly are a square, as I just stumbled across you right now, and I just felt four straight sides and four straight corners."

The sun felt suddenly reassured. He leapt up, and so high did he leap with joy, that he jumped straight back into the sky! He began to glow and glow with gladness. As he glowed and glowed the first glimpses of light began to spread throughout the beautiful land of His Mind, the first light in oh so long! Slowly, the square grass, the square flowers, the square lakes and rivers and hills came into view. Princess Sunny could not believe her eyes! Could it be?! The infamous His Mind? It was just so perfect, so right!

In a fine masterpiece of a square castle nearby, out ran William The Willy Wonder. The spell had been broken! But how?

His complex hazel green eyes fell upon Sunny The Certain, who looked so definitely so where she stood. Princess Sunny suddenly felt the feeble and frail extreme of her other side.

"Fair maiden! Who be you, and how did you find me in these realms bewitched with doubt?"

"I am Princess Sunny The Certain, from the juxtaposed land of Her Mind. I found you quite by accident I assure you! Though many a long night have I dreamt of His Mind and Prince William The Willy Wonder. You see, in my land, nothing can be wholly right, as if there is a right there must be a wrong. So this land of His Mind is quite an esoteric and exciting spectacle."

"Princess Sunny The Certain. It is because you believed that with darkness must there be light that you believed in His Mind, and have saved my land from peril. For it is I, William The Willy Wonder, Prince of His Mind, to who you are speaking so certainly."

Princess Sunny was suddenly overcome with such a certain passion even Doubt The Dreadful would not have doubted it. Their eyes met, and William The Willy Wonder's willy began to wander.

In fields full of square buttercups they had the most certain and right kind of sex. Sunny The Certain was blown away by the wonder of William's willy, and William was incredulous at the determination of Sunny's passion.

"You make me feel so sure of myself" spoke Prince William, stroking Sunny's collapsing curves.

"You make me feel like everything could be all right." Princess Sunny murmured, now understanding why her friends were always off getting rescued. Wait until they hear that she was lying there with William The Willy Wonder!

"Will you stay in His Mind? Must you leave? It would feel so uncertain without you."

Princess Sunny felt torn. She either had to leave Her Mind forever, or leave His Mind and Prince William. What ever was she to do?!

"I have it!" cried Sunny. "I most certainly do! Let us combine His Mind and Her Mind and make it one land - yes- we could call it Our Mind! It would be the most interesting, righteous and beautiful of places. People will hear far and wide of our complex and congruent land."

So came to be the land of Our Mind. The square sun went on shining, very sure that he was indeed the sun...though he now had to shine a little less brighter and wear SPF 50+. He didn't mind, as it made his job all the easier!

And Princess Sunny The Certain and Prince William The Willy Wonder went on to create certain passion and wonder at his willy in the right-angled and shady realms Our Mind. They lived happily ever overwards.