I guess the important things to know about me is firstly, I have a lot to say. I’ve always been a writer, I’ve never had a problem writing an essay, but ironically I only just scraped a pass in high school English.
The second, is that I’m constantly torn between seeing two sides of just about anything and everything, and I take my time deciding what my stance is. And once it’s decided – I stick by it.
I came from a strange childhood, there were parts that were normal and happy, and also others that were dark and distorted.
During my teenage years I spent more times attempting to end my life, than actually trying to live it.
Since finding photography, that’s changed. Had I not fallen into it, I definitely wouldn’t be here today writing this.
Photography is my creative means, my way of fitting in, the way I’ve met everyone important to me, essentially it’s been my outlet and my savior.
Big statement? Yeah.
Music photography gives me this adrenaline rush, my desire to get ‘the shot’ is one of the strongest feelings I’ve ever experienced. And the feeling when I actually get ‘the shot’ ?
Indescribable. I’m like a proud mother, but ten times worse.
You’ll see it posted everywhere, Instagram, Facebook, Instagram again, it’s way back Wednesday, Throwback Thursday, Flashback Friday, any excuse! You might get sick of seeing it, but every time I’m still sitting there going ‘wow, I can’t believe I took this.’
It’s something no one can take away from me, and something I have forever.
Since shooting SG sets, all those music photography feels have transferred over to this style of photography. My music photography feels are still there, still as strong as ever, but SG is something else.
A musician has a 50/50 chance of seeing my image, and the chances of them feeling as strongly as I do about the image is significantly less. It’s unlikely that photo is going to change their lives.
But shooting girls… That’s a whole different story.
Working one on one (or hey, sometimes with two now! I shoot multi’s now!) is a really cool intimate experience. Getting ‘the shot’ of a girl is so much more likely to be appreciated, and there’s a 100% chance the girl is going to see that image.
When someone takes a good photo of me (rare!), I’m genuinely surprised, and it’s something special to me, something I also get to keep forever. When I’m old and wrinkly, I’ll have that to look back on and shove in my grandkids faces going ‘LOOK KIDS, THIS IS WHERE YOU GOT YOUR GOOD LOOKS FROM!’
Vain? Maybe. But I think everyone is a little bit.
So for me to be the person responsible of giving that to other people is something that really makes me happy.
Admittedly, I’ve taken on more than I can chew the last 18 months. I haven’t been on top of my workload since then, and quite frankly as much as I wish I were more effective at having the final images ready quicker… I’m also sure that I wouldn’t want it to be any other way. To have no workload..? I’d feel like a bad photographer if I weren’t continuously busy with new projects.
Being without my laptop, having a night off is something that stresses me out. I feel a little lost, I feel agitated, I feel that I’m ‘wasting’ time, and I feel guilty for chilling out. It feels like slacking off.
I sat down the other week and worked out that between uni, shooting, editing and working my day job, I’m pulling anywhere from 60-80 hour working weeks.
My job doesn’t end when it’s closing time at the florist, or the last class at school is over, it keeps going well into the early hours of the morning while I’m editing, organising future shoots, preparing preview images and replying to emails.
I get anxious when I’m half way through an episode of Game of Thrones or Suits, my mind wanders away from the plot of the show, and it goes to thinking about my list of editing to do, who needs their set soon, and generally just wanting to cross things off that ever growing list.
I know that’s my own fault, I’m the one who commits to new shoots, I’m the one always offering more. I don’t like saying no.
My rent and bills also don’t like it when I turn jobs down. My energy levels hit scoring lows frequently because I usually can only afford one meal a day.
I love what I’m doing photographically, it keeps me going, it gives me a purpose, it leaves no time to go wandering down dark and dangerous pathways. But it certainly does take its toll. I’ve had more stress meltdowns than I care to admit, and I’ve vented so hard sometimes it’s like I can feel my sanity slipping away. The venting offsets the full-blown meltdowns though, so I guess sometimes it’s okay to go a little crazy to avoid going entirely crazy.
My hearts in the right place, I hate hurting people’s feelings, I hate confrontation. I hate putting myself out there, because every time I do I get slammed in all directions for doing so.
I care what people think, I care how people respond, I care about my reputation, and what I hate most of all is being underestimated or misunderstood.
Things get confusing in my head. When I start writing it out or talking to people, things get clearer, I get to hear different perspectives, and I get to draw my own conclusion from it. I’m very grateful to those who hear me out.
Every time I post something I always stop to think ‘will this upset someone, will it educate anyone, will it offend anyone, will someone gain something from this?’
Sometimes the answer is no, sometimes the answer is yes to all of the above. A silent bystander is bad. To voice something later down the track and then be told ‘why didn’t you say something sooner?!’ is worse.
Some of the most valuable things I’ve ever learnt in life were by people who didn’t have to say what they did. I was just lucky they did. Some of the things were really hard to hear, but I wouldn’t trade that knowledge for the world. Knowing is everything, to be ignorant might be bliss, but it’s also a cop out.
Until recent years, I was always the quiet, under-the-radar kind of person. I cared so much about people liking me that I’d keep my mouth firmly shut just to maintain the peace, to avoid confrontation.
From doing that, I’ve been taken advantage of in all kinds of ways, professionally, mentally and even physically. It turns out there’s some genuinely bad people in the world.
I used to fear the fall out, the backlash, everything negative. And now I face it head on and take charge of people who say and do things that make me die on the inside. No one has the right to make me feel that way, I’ve spent so long figuring out how to cope being the victim, that I was never aware I actually could take charge and refuse being the victim altogether.
I can’t go back to the way I used to be, it nearly killed me. I’m still learning to cope with the notion that people think negatively towards me, and I’m learning to accept those who think positively towards me. (Are you real? Are you sure? Is this a cruel joke?) Overall, this is actually a positive experience. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. Sometimes confused, and stressed, but happy.
Life is short, who knows how long you have left.
All you can do is try your best, do what you think is right, and anyone who gives you shit for doing that isn’t worth your time.
