liz_marie1222

OH yes! Thursday is here...that means the week is just about OVER!

I am so lost when it comes to my relationships. I don't know how to love someone when they don't love me. It drives me absolutely fucking craazzzyy!

I know that in some ways he loves me because you can't just turn it off after 5 years. But I honestly can not comprehend loving someone and wanting to be intimate with someone, but not wanting to be with them. I know it happens to people all the time, but my brain is just too dumb to understand.

This is all my fault tho..and he keeps rubbing it in my face..just to make sure I know that my agony is all caused by me. I know this..and I feel so icky and sorry about it, I would be willing to do just about anything to make it up to him, except leave him alone. He will never ever ever believe me when I tell him this, but at that point in my life, I was so suicidal, and my head was so fucked up, that although I need to be held totally accountable, he needs to realize that something like that will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

I don't know how to live, how to be, how to exist with out him in my life...and even though it feels as though we have been broken up by my choice these past couple months, I did it to give him a break. Which sounds totally stupid and dumb..but it was the whole let him go thing. And now that I've let him go, I'm DEATHLY afraid that he will not come back, thus my comment yesterday. "If you love someone you'll let them go, if you let them go and they come back they're your's forever, if they don't come back you must have really sucked."

I feel that him not coming back is definitly a personal flaw on my part. I wasn't sexy enough, I was too annoying, I didn't have a good enough personality, I didn't do everything I could for him, I didn't make him feel loved enough, I loved him too much and smothered him...Something, something that I have done to turn him away, a definite personal flaw.

I feel like Cameron Diaz on Vanilla Sky, I was sitting there the other night, with him thinking..."This is total happiness to me" And I was totally fucking happy, which is fucked up, because if you know me, you know that that emotion hardly exists in my world. And then I got to thinking of that movie and how she asked him what was happiness to him, and then I got scared...Like I'm some sort of boy obsessed psycho.

He might just be annoyed that I wrote this in general, and if he is, he can let me know, and I will take it down. But please, I beg you, search your heart, think of all our history, think of our identical future goals, think of our chemistry, think of our love, because that is all that has been running through my head since January.