Do you ever sit there and think things, and know that they are completely irrational, and you tell yourself, "this is irrational", but no matter what you do, they are still there?
I am sitting here, thinking "I am the biggest piece of shit to hit the earth," then I realize, Elisa, You are not on your depression meds, you have been super down lately, You KNOW that this is the depression talking, it's not true. But no matter how hard I think rationally, my mind still tells me "YOu are a piece of shit. Everyone would be happier if they didn't have to deal with you. It is time to go."
How does this work? I mean honestly, I am doing pretty good not doing anything stupid, but soon I am just going to be sick of trying to thwart these mean thoughts.
Is this normal? I mean, is it normal to think horrible things of yourself and to hate yourself, but all the while know what is causing it and trying to fix it but honestly not being able to?
Ugh, Life is getting harder by the day. WTF, I feel really abnormal. I know lots of people deal with this stuff all the time, but what do you think it feels like to not have to? Do you think that those people ever have to TRY really hard to be happy? Do you think those people know what it's like to have to TRY to hold together long enough to get through the day? Do you think everyone is this way and I just don't know it, or am too much of a pussy whiner to just deal with it?
I am so confused, every new task put upon me almost pushes me over the edge. I am supposed to be trying to learn how to ride my motorcycle, but the thought of trying to learn anything right now makes me want to run around stabbing people. I am supposed to be doing well at work,and to be happy at work, but I FUCKING CAN'T!
I am so sick of this. Sick and tired. I am restless yet lethargic without the energy to get out of bed. I am angry yet saddened almost to the point of tears. I am bored yet overwhelmed by tasks I must complete. I want to be alone, yet being alone makes me feel sad and worthless. It doesn't make any sense. If you are bored you have nothing to do, but how then can I be overwhelmed by everything I have to do? I contradict myself and leave no room at all for the happiness inbetween.
Just a side note: I will go back to the doctor, and will try to get back on meds when I finally get health insurance in a couple months. My parents insurance cut me off because I was not going to school any longer.
I am sitting here, thinking "I am the biggest piece of shit to hit the earth," then I realize, Elisa, You are not on your depression meds, you have been super down lately, You KNOW that this is the depression talking, it's not true. But no matter how hard I think rationally, my mind still tells me "YOu are a piece of shit. Everyone would be happier if they didn't have to deal with you. It is time to go."
How does this work? I mean honestly, I am doing pretty good not doing anything stupid, but soon I am just going to be sick of trying to thwart these mean thoughts.
Is this normal? I mean, is it normal to think horrible things of yourself and to hate yourself, but all the while know what is causing it and trying to fix it but honestly not being able to?
Ugh, Life is getting harder by the day. WTF, I feel really abnormal. I know lots of people deal with this stuff all the time, but what do you think it feels like to not have to? Do you think that those people ever have to TRY really hard to be happy? Do you think those people know what it's like to have to TRY to hold together long enough to get through the day? Do you think everyone is this way and I just don't know it, or am too much of a pussy whiner to just deal with it?
I am so confused, every new task put upon me almost pushes me over the edge. I am supposed to be trying to learn how to ride my motorcycle, but the thought of trying to learn anything right now makes me want to run around stabbing people. I am supposed to be doing well at work,and to be happy at work, but I FUCKING CAN'T!
I am so sick of this. Sick and tired. I am restless yet lethargic without the energy to get out of bed. I am angry yet saddened almost to the point of tears. I am bored yet overwhelmed by tasks I must complete. I want to be alone, yet being alone makes me feel sad and worthless. It doesn't make any sense. If you are bored you have nothing to do, but how then can I be overwhelmed by everything I have to do? I contradict myself and leave no room at all for the happiness inbetween.
Just a side note: I will go back to the doctor, and will try to get back on meds when I finally get health insurance in a couple months. My parents insurance cut me off because I was not going to school any longer.
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
monsvalentine:
cute.
zanafar:
How have you been doing? Havent heard from you in a bit 