So, there is this girl. Ive been nothing but clumsy and aloof and I know its hindering things. Usually I allow my nervousness to make me more aggressive, a tactic that works well when you have low expectations or baser intentions, but I dont think I want to do that with her. So Im left feeling incredibly out of my element and wondering when Im going to be able to behave around her in person the way I do in my head.
I think it is just this place I am at now. Ive been stewing. I've been seeing far too many connections between things. Ive been driving with the windows down, letting the damp air invade me until my fingers tingle with cold.
It is only recently that Ive decided to stop starting over and carry a sense of history with me. This weekend tested that. I went to charlotte for the burlesque show, expecting new friends in my old city.
A henchmen in Jims army found me. We bid our hellos and both looked equally sheepish for discovering each other at a tit show. A former student of mine, he stills thinks of me in epic terms and introduces me to his ridiculous friend in the artlessly congratulatory manner Ive always hated.
This is K. This woman can kick your ass!
um, ahnot anymore man. Its nice to meet you.
I bet you still could
That was a long time ago. I dont really think of myself that way anymore
Remember that time you blah, blah, blah.
He tells some glorydays story I dont even remember, he tells me hes teaching the kids classes now, he tells me I should come by and see the place and I say I might - even though I know I wont. If I had stayed in Charlotte my life would have been all planned out for me four classes a day, open a second school, eventually make good on the inappropriateness between Jim and I. That place may be the best thing that ever happen to this guy but for me it was the oppressively easy route and walking back in there, having all those little fuckers snap-to and bow every time I walked through a damn door, would be like walking into an alternate version of my life. He tells me Jim was awful for weeks after the last time I saw him. I figure thats more than enough reason for me to stay away. Still, at the end of the night I told him to say hey to Jim for me and I meant it.
Later that night, we went to the bar behind what used to be The Perch and I was starting to debate spending the night in the good ol queen shitty when a familiar redhead entered the place. Daves sister. We made eye contact and she looked away with a polite pursuing of the lips. I expected that, after I left the ICC for good they all pretty much did that. But not long ago someone told me Dave also decided to bolt from the cult so I forced out a greeting that was received rather flatly. Down my last round. Head back to my beloved little boro.
On the ride home I talked to my common law lil sis, who used to live only a few blocks from that bar. She would have had none of that simple awkward greeting mess there would have been foul gestures, saucy declarations and liquor swilled in the redheads face. But Im not Livvy. Not always. She tells me we will make trouble in Charlotte in corners unknown to our pasts. I tell her we will make trouble in NY as soon as I can afford the time off.
And now Im tired and wine drunk. And its finally late enough to sleep.
I think it is just this place I am at now. Ive been stewing. I've been seeing far too many connections between things. Ive been driving with the windows down, letting the damp air invade me until my fingers tingle with cold.
It is only recently that Ive decided to stop starting over and carry a sense of history with me. This weekend tested that. I went to charlotte for the burlesque show, expecting new friends in my old city.
A henchmen in Jims army found me. We bid our hellos and both looked equally sheepish for discovering each other at a tit show. A former student of mine, he stills thinks of me in epic terms and introduces me to his ridiculous friend in the artlessly congratulatory manner Ive always hated.
This is K. This woman can kick your ass!
um, ahnot anymore man. Its nice to meet you.
I bet you still could
That was a long time ago. I dont really think of myself that way anymore
Remember that time you blah, blah, blah.
He tells some glorydays story I dont even remember, he tells me hes teaching the kids classes now, he tells me I should come by and see the place and I say I might - even though I know I wont. If I had stayed in Charlotte my life would have been all planned out for me four classes a day, open a second school, eventually make good on the inappropriateness between Jim and I. That place may be the best thing that ever happen to this guy but for me it was the oppressively easy route and walking back in there, having all those little fuckers snap-to and bow every time I walked through a damn door, would be like walking into an alternate version of my life. He tells me Jim was awful for weeks after the last time I saw him. I figure thats more than enough reason for me to stay away. Still, at the end of the night I told him to say hey to Jim for me and I meant it.
Later that night, we went to the bar behind what used to be The Perch and I was starting to debate spending the night in the good ol queen shitty when a familiar redhead entered the place. Daves sister. We made eye contact and she looked away with a polite pursuing of the lips. I expected that, after I left the ICC for good they all pretty much did that. But not long ago someone told me Dave also decided to bolt from the cult so I forced out a greeting that was received rather flatly. Down my last round. Head back to my beloved little boro.
On the ride home I talked to my common law lil sis, who used to live only a few blocks from that bar. She would have had none of that simple awkward greeting mess there would have been foul gestures, saucy declarations and liquor swilled in the redheads face. But Im not Livvy. Not always. She tells me we will make trouble in Charlotte in corners unknown to our pasts. I tell her we will make trouble in NY as soon as I can afford the time off.
And now Im tired and wine drunk. And its finally late enough to sleep.