life or a reasonable facsimile there of (long)
Current mood: moody
ok, i'm about to put out there, pretty much the story of my life. Not for the pity, or to say my life's worse than yours. but hopefully someone out there will read this and come away with something. i don't want your pity, i have enough of that for myself. i haven't told many people what i'm about to disclose so feel privlaged my friends. this is my open counciling session.
my mother was a victim of child abuse. my grandfather was a drunk who beat her, nearly into a coma. she was a victim her whole life. violence was all she knew. She was a victim of rape at 15. I know few details. leave it be. i am the product of said act. my grandfather wanted her to abort me but she pulled the pappa don't preach scenario typial of the 80s and had me anyway. SHe gave up her childhood to have me.
my grandparents divorced. i grew up in a house with my drunken irish grandmother, my mom who i never saw because she was always at work, and my uncle Lou. Lou was an inspiration to me. of all my family i was the most like him. with him being only 11 years older than me and us growing up in the same house he was more of a brother than my uncle. he died a few years ago. massive heart attack. The one member of my family i could stand....
My grandmother rarely paid me any attention. I was another child raised by television. My father was Rambo, My mother was Sigourny Weaver from ghostbusters. I wasn't allowed to play outside. paranoia and fear permiated my household after my mother was attacked. my friends were the people i knew on tv. i lived in my own imaginary world. The ninja turtles were my best, and only true friends. Yet I endured
Needless to say this affected my social life in the upcoming years of elementary school. from day 1 i was a misfit, an outcast. I stayed in my imaginary world. I could have control of that. school was a terrifying experience. i was picked on every day. I was the kid no one liked. the teachers always saw potential though because i was smart. i had picked up an education from cable tv. i had a vocabulary that dwarfed other children. none of them would be my friends so as soon as i learned to read that's what i did. that's all i did. i read everything. and at all times. i read at recess, during class, i was the bookworm that got beat up daily, yet i endured.
when i was 8 i moved out of the world i knew and in with my stepfamily. my mother was happy and in love. i was a black sheep. My step-brothers would always gang up on me and when i fought back my step fathers wrath was always on me. soon i felt the demon known as rage begin to devour my soul. I was 8 years old and i was filled with hate and contempt for mankind. yet still I endured
i got into fistfights regularly at school. sometimes i lost, but eventually i started to win. i learned to fight my rage began to work for me. this of course didn't help the fact that i had no friends. still...i endured
Everything that went wrong at home was always my fualt. "why hasn't this floor been mopped you faggot piece of shit" my step father would yell, his breath reeking of alcohol. "why can't you do anything right?" "what's your malfunction" these words huanted my childhood. i spent my time locked in my room trying to avoid him. i studied. i focused on school. I knew i could never see myself become that useless creature that pretends to be a man. i remember the sound of him trying to open my locked door. i swear i could smell the booze permiating the thin wooden barrier."unlock this door now goddammit" I never knew what he was pissed about because i jumped out my bedroom window and ran. covered in dog shit, sprained ankle from the fall and just ran. multiple times. still i endured
I would stay awy from the house as long as i could. i was in fifth grade before i finally tuaght myself to ride a bike. I would ride for hours, spend my days in the library. filling myself with knowledge just so i wouldn't be home.
step father did teach me a few things. like stealing. he taught me that if you want something that you feel is owed to you you should take it. i was a regular oliver swift. I got good at stealing. this advice would come back to huat me though. in sixth grade my step brother started smoking. he asked me to steal the ciggarettes for him. i was the best thief in the family. he would share ciggarettes with me. this worked as a bonding experience for us. i felt he actually liked me. he just used me to steal for him. that's why i smoke
i made straight A's through school and never once recieved praise. he never once said he was proud of me. but when his children where able to get through a semester without getting an f, holding a D average, he showered them with gifts. my brother Dan got a dirtbike once. all i ever asked for was a guitar, which i bought for myself finally a year ago.
I met my first real friend in 7th grade. Anthony Sbarboro. he was a great kid. he didn't give a fuck what anybody thought of him. he was my role model. last i heard after that year he moved to chicago. because of him I became the clown so many of you knew in high school.
I was still reiceving the mental abuse fro my stepfather as my stepbrother began experimenting with drugs. he's in jail now due to violation of parole on drug charges. You wonder why i hate drugs and alcohol? there it is. It's been a big factor in my life. i hate it with a passion. Anyway...
i got involved in theatre in 8th grade. that meant school from 8-5. in 9th i took an extraclass in the morning 7-5, woot! less time at home. I started making friends. this was all in my flannel days by the way. those of you who knew me will know what that means. I fell hard for the first girl to ever treat me like someone of the opposite sex. we went out in tenth, she fucked around. I was crushed. yet i endured.
I grew my hair out, changed my wardrobe to black on black, got my ear pierced, became a rebel. People finally stopped picking on me after this change. well other than the step father. I got huge, i got strong, i feared no one, except him. i still want to run and hide when he enters the room. funny how that fear got bred into me.
this is also about the time i turned to drugs and alcohol myself. we'll get back to that another time.
i got my first job at 15, school from 7-5 work from 6-12, i never had to see him. i felt free. i worked through school and expected to join the military afterwards. it was what i wanted. i got a job at Target, got fed up with it and started to steal, a lot, over 1,000 dollars worth of merchandise. i got caught. i went to jail, there went the military. my dog died that same summer. I went back to work and tried putting myself through community college, still recieving the petty, "You'll never amount to anything." and the "why you wasting money on education, when i was your age i had a good job, a house, a wife, and a son"
so you now know everything up to when i started going out with kristin, i'm tired so i abriged the life story. so i hope youcome away from this feeling better about yourself, or with a better understanding of who i am, where i come from. Remember, in all things endure, and in enduring grow stronger.