littleone0813

Sitting alone I wonder if I can still feel anything
but fear and sadness. Is it normal to only be happy
when you're sad?
Finding meaning and lessons to be learned in
all those fucked up situations that life is constantly
throwing at me is the only calming part of my day
as of yet.
I have been remembering times with someone that I
no longer have and probably never did. We were miserable together and no one understood why it contented me to be that way. A smile was all I needed when I was there and alcohol was all I needed when I wasn't.
Why?
Now my guts clench and tears well in the corners of my eyes when the thoughts of what was cross my mind.
I seem to enjoy the company of those that are gone most...memories
of them follow me whenever I'm alone...when the lights are out..
when I'm sitting on my bed staring out the window...just wishing that I could have some sort of closure with any of them.
Why?
I'm still shut off....I want what my body wants and then I run...always.
Will I always?