Wow!! A new fucking year...What hell will this one hold? I left for a while because I pretty much didn't fucking care about anything...just trying to survive and move on. I made the mistake of feeling empathy for someone and telling them the truth about something they begged me to know. I lost someone I loved over it...but I guess it's for the best. It forced me to let go.
I watched the ball drop the other night..and even though there were a lot of drunk noisy people around I felt like I was alone...sitting there in silence...a beer in my hand...wondering and thinking about what will happen and what has already. I feel so fucking lost. I have no direction..no real goals...just thoughts. I'm in school and I'm still an A student. HA! But what does it mean if I get through it again and I'm just not good enough? I'm so fucking afraid to let anyone in that I have to do it alone. I'm overly dramatic I know..it's just that passion in me that wants everyone to know exactly how I feel.
I watched the ball drop the other night..and even though there were a lot of drunk noisy people around I felt like I was alone...sitting there in silence...a beer in my hand...wondering and thinking about what will happen and what has already. I feel so fucking lost. I have no direction..no real goals...just thoughts. I'm in school and I'm still an A student. HA! But what does it mean if I get through it again and I'm just not good enough? I'm so fucking afraid to let anyone in that I have to do it alone. I'm overly dramatic I know..it's just that passion in me that wants everyone to know exactly how I feel.
I had the exact same one when I was with my friends watching the ball drop. A large group of us, some with Girlfriends, some not, but everyone was having a good time because they all had hope for whatever reason. For some of them it was a girl they were talking to at the bar and were hoping things would go their way. For others it was because they had a crush on someone and that was their goal. My problem was that I had no crush and no longing to talk to anyone (of the few) people there that night. I was also without direction.
So, I guess a good goal for this year is to find a goal to get a direction.
[/end my ranting]
Hopefully, you feel better soon.
Stay strong!