littlemisspixie

Losing me way but not getting completely lost ...

Its funny how death effects us all in so many different ways. Today we had a customer come in to sort out a deceased estate and normally this would be an easy task however this one was special. They were one of the first couples to notice me at my job when I first started at the branch and as time went along and I moved up positions they were there each step of my journey.

I came to expect them to always be there week to week sometimes more then once and they were always ever so nice to me. But then in the last six months I watched him slowly wither away and eventually die. I cant describe how I feel as I dont feel anything. Its a void of feeling. Its weird coz the memory of him being around is so vivid in my mind. I remember how he looks, how he spoke in such a gentle manner that to me he hasnt gone, or maybe Im still disillusioned by it all ... maybe it hasnt hit me yet?!

I remember when my mum died, I just went through the motions and I didnt show any emotions. Even till today, it makes my head all airy when I think about it all. Recently, Ive come into the knowledge that my life was rather a lie. I then got disowned and things just didnt seem to work out.

Did I lose hope? Yes. But that doesnt mean that Im a bad person for that. My whole life Ive always had structure and didnt let things bother me but Im going through changes now it really scares me. Some days I feel like Im lost like I dont know who I am or how I got here but then other days ... Im fine I guess its scary now coz I dont have the people who I used to always rely on around me anymore. Ive always had family and her around ... but I dont have either of them anymore and I've had to deal with losing it all in one big hit!

So in my lost state I took some chances which ended up turning on me and I didnt know what to do. Worst part is I lost what I had and didnt even get to find out why so now we pretend it never happened and Ive got to be ok with that. Ive always been afraid of letting people in coz people are so quick to judge. People say they want to be there but at the end of the day sometimes all you need is someone to just sit down and listen. People tend to say one thing but really mean the other or in some cases the opposite some instances Ive noticed others will just say things coz its the right thing to do.

No matter what I did, I just couldnt seem to hold on There are so many things going on in my life that Im just so overwhelmed by it all. The worst part of it all was yesterday I talked to her - it was very brief. Just sorting out the separation stuff and she decided I guess to turn it from business to personal yet in reality it was a simply question, but geez it hurt. So how are you ... I went quite, I thought about all my options and I concluded with going safe so I paused for a brief moment to collect my thoughts, and went Im sorry, but I gotta go its funny that even now it still hurts. I dont blame anyone but myself ... but I loved her and thats why I let her go. But its also love that has made me stay away from her at the same time.

Memories of her make me smile and sad at the same time. Or maybe its the pure love that I miss. Ive been so caught up with the notion of hating love that maybe Im really in love with it. I guess if love didnt hurt - it wouldnt be love at all. Waking up snuggling into someone you love ... you just cant beat that feeling.

So here I am yet again spilling my thoughts ... and Sometimes I think I just need to sit back and enjoy my journey instead of getting so caught up and quick to analyse things that are going on or why. I need to focus on things that really matter to me ... maybe Ill sit down tonight and write my new years resolution early so that way I can get a head start to a new beginning ... Writing a new chapter is always fun and exciting coz you never know how it is going to turn out.

At the end of the day ... Ive got to realise that I really should be thankful for everything that I do have in my life. My journey has made me who I am. I need to appreciate that even tho my past ... I have the power to make my own journey into whatever I want it to be. I have freedom ...