Hey everyone ~ I'm not really sure what I want to put down here. I have a few things going on at the moment and I think I had some sort of depressive episode yesterday. I tend to get these overwhelming feelings of sadness that I can't pull myself out of for a few days. I hate feeling this way as I have so much to be thankful for. I have a beautiful daughter, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, transportation, I am once again gainfully employed, I have friends who care about me, etc... Sometimes I wish I could just leave here and start a new life over someplace else, leaving everything that makes me sad behind. Does running from your problems ever solve anything? Probably not but it is tempting at times. I often daydream about what my life would be like if I had done certain things differently in my life. If I wasn't a mom, if I hadn't had a relationship with so and so, if I had gone to college right after high school, etc... I haven't ever lived any place else but here, except for 6 months in Germany right after high school, and I long for a change of scenery. I don't want to daydream my life away but it's so hard to not think of "What If?" I know everyone plays this game with their own lives, at least I think they do, and I just need to make changes so that I can achieve whatever happiness I am trying to catch at the moment. I learned a long time ago that no one else is responsible for your own happiness, it is up to you to make it happen, no matter what. I don't expect anything from anyone. I hate being let down by other people, who doesn't?, but I hate it more when I let myself down. I know I should stop bitching and do what it takes to get what I want so I can be happy. But that is easier said than done sometimes as I have to responsible for someone else, not just myself. I can't be selfish, I have to think of her needs too. She is my life and the one thing that is stable in my life. The one person who will love me unconditionally, no matter what. I know she's only three but her love is so pure and innocent, untainted by the world. She doesn't know the pain of a broken heart or an empty bank account. She makes it all worth it in the end. All the struggle, all the heartache. She pulls me through, unknowingly, and I am better because of her. She deserves to be happy, just as I do. I deserve someone who can love me but who can also love her, as his own. I'm going to stop before I say too much... but it's probably too late.
My favorite Depeche Mode song:
I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone wholl stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
Shell get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
Shell hear me out
And wont easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact shell often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me
I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone wholl help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I dont want to be tied
To anyones strings
Im carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when Im asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
Ill get away with it
My favorite Depeche Mode song:
I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone wholl stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
Shell get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
Shell hear me out
And wont easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact shell often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me
I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone wholl help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I dont want to be tied
To anyones strings
Im carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when Im asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
Ill get away with it
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My fav depeche mode song is But Not Tonight-when I was a kid I used toplay it when I would DJ on the high school radio station WSDP 88.1 check and see if you cant still get it for me. It was cool we were the only alt radio station in detroit for a while.
But not tonight-
Oh God, its raining
But Im not complaining
Its filling me up
With new life
The stars in the sky
Bring tears to my eyes
Theyre lighting my way
Tonight
And I havent felt so alive
In years
Just for a day
On a day like today
Ill get away from
This constant debauchery
The wind in my hair
Makes me so aware
How good it is to live
Tonight
And I havent felt so alive
In years
The moon
Is shining in the sky
Reminding me
Of so many other nights
But theyre not like tonight
Oh God, its raining
And Im not containing
My pleasure at being
So wet
Here on my own
All on my own
How good it feels to be alone
Tonight
And I havent felt so alive
In years
The moon
Is shining in the sky
Reminding me
Of so many other nights
When my eyes have been so red
Ive been mistaken for dead
But not tonight
I wouldn't have changed it. Now I'm in massive debt and living in Washington, but I still wouldn't change it. Each moment strings together the next paths we come across. We have to make bold jumps and sacrifices at times, for ourselves and others. It is always good to get away, but it's not running away, it's running forward. You can never run away. The world is round, and each step you take away from where you are, just brings you closer to the same spot in that same direction.
Don't be afriad, be adventerous. Wherever you decide to go will be hard at first, it can even be exhausting. The world will never move though. Each location shall remain, with more buildings and people standing on them, and you can always return from whence you came.
I have always felt it is best to adventure early in a childs life, than later, before the attachment of location becomes etched into them. I want my daughter to feel free, and never feel trapped, which is one of the reasons I came up to Washington. The concrete jungles of So. Cali are wicked and consuming. There is so much more open space and nature. The year and a half I've spent here have been torturous, but I know if I stick through it, and allow Time to tick away in his evil game, then I will prevail, and my daughter will with me. Our children grow through our strength, just as we grew through ours. And when it's just us taking care of them, then we have to work double at times, which can put even more pressures upon our already chaotic lives. You will find someone who will love your daughter with all of their heart, just as they will love you.
Sometimes a matter of fear, adventure, sacrifice, and leaving what we have become so accustomed to is what it takes. Each step leads closer to the path we so desire......
It's just the ability to take those first steps that's the hard part most of the time, especially when it's not just us on the ride.
You know I'm around to help in any way, never hesitate to talk.
~J~