I'm lonely. Depression does that to a body. I've found that it's not always such an awful feeling if you can tolerate it and face it down. When you run away from it it chases you down with the ferocity of a jungle cat but it can also be sweet like the company of a treasured friend. Lonliness has a different quality than it used to because... It's difficult to explain but I think it has to do with the fact that I've accepted that sadness is sometimes my lot. This meat suit my soul is wearing has a chemical flaw and I'm doing everything I can do about it for the moment. I used to wrestle with the emotions in panic and fear, trying to push them from my consciousness. Yet my fear of my emotions made them stronger, demons from which I could never escape. You can only hide from yourself for so long, you know? Trying to fight this sadness gave them such sway over me that they consumed my life and I felt helpless. So I've learned to simply accept it as it comes, to tolerate it with a certain dignity that I didn't have before. Depression. It's what I was given in this life and the important thing is how I play the cards I was dealt. So I stay with the pain and it can't do anything to me. Nor do I add to it and cause an emotional avalanche of panic and rage... I used to believe that the dark thoughts, quickness of temper, intense anxiety at the most trifling incident... I used to blame myself for these and endeavored to control them forcefully, like a caged animal that I whipped for the tiniest transgression. Like a caged animal it raged against its restraints, so the more I tried to control it the more force I needed to use to keep it in check. I was afraid of myself, of what I was capable of doing. You know what though? When I didn't seize on the awful thoughts and was compassionate with myself I discovered a strange thing: I had the choice to act or not act on any of those thoughts. Just because they were there didn't mean that I had to do anything about them. It didn't mean I was a bad person and deserved the torture I inflicted upon myself. What I actually wanted was to love and be loved. That's it. That's not so awful after all. Love to all of you out there.
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When I read some time ago this post you related a dream in, I thought it was better not to suggest an interpretation, I agree with the freudian idea that it's better for every person to "dig" their own dream's -or fantasm's- interpretations, than be suggested one.....but now, reading your present entry, I feel like you were speaking of the same things in different words.