lionboy

I'm back!! If anyone is interested. I've been in Cleveland for the past couple of weeks scouting for my impending move. I'm in New England but you see I must leave my home of some 28 years. It has never felt home to me but perhaps that is because I was always made to feel like an unwelcome guest in my own house. My father was distant and cruel. No love from him in any way that would make sense to a child. Only harshness and criticism did I see from him. I learned self hatred well from him. I tried so hard to please him but how do you appease an angry god? You don't. Any action at best staves off his wrath, at worst incites him to greater depths of rage. He was unpredictable that way, which made it even worse. Ah how I yearn for consistency in the signals people give. My emotional compass has been off kilter because of that shit. So many pieces of me shattered and banished into the darkness as "unacceptable" and therefore unlovable. I locked them away in order to purchase an extremely conditional "love" from others. I long since had given up on feeling worthy of love. When you try time and again to please someone that will not be pleased you're bound to lose. I've been in the pursuit of some sort of peace in this world ever since. It's only been in the past few years that I've begun to find my way and take back the pieces of me that I had banished. Fast forward to today: I need a change. I need the chance to create a new life and reinvent myself around people who love me as I am. People who will not judge and tell me to be something else because what I create for myself is too unconventional or shocking or... My brother wears Polo and Izod short sleeve shirts in the summer. Perhaps that gives you an idea of what my family is like. I have found a new family of my Spirit. They do not give me disapproving glares when I say "You could cut glass with my nipples" when it's cold or kiss somone's left and right ass cheeks when they tell me to kiss their ass. Or when I talk about old ladies jacking off dogs because I have seen an old lady do just that. She is a dog breeder but that's really no excuse. The sisters of my spirit do not shy away when I talk about animal viscera or blood when consuming victuals. My sisters. My Meat Pump sisters do not say I am being too forward or emotional when I look into their eyes, kiss them warmly on the forehead, and then hold them close, telling them exactly how important they are to me. They are my family. My true family and I am moving far away from "home" to be with them. My brother said to me the other day, "I don't understand why you're relocating like this. If it were me, I would have to have a goal in mind. Like if I had applied and was accepted to a school out there then I might move but I don't really get what draws you there." I've told him about my friends and what they mean to me but I don't think he quite understands that either. He's often harshly critical of me and then wonders why I don't trust him with my deepest thoughts. When he told me he didn't understand why I'm moving I wanted to tell him, "That's exactly why I'm leaving" but I think it would have been lost on him. He's not a bad person but he hurts me. He doesn't mean to but there it is. So I'm going away to a new life where I can create without judgement and find my own footing in the world. I need this. I have an apartment reserved and all there is to do is pack up the rest of my shit and go. Good luck to me.