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I have an odd sense of purpose this week, a secure sort of knowing confidence in how things will unspool. At the same time, I see great antagonism at work, and that is a rare thing in my life. Usually people or things aren't working against me, not consciously. I should have more healthy paranoia, but I'm happy being the naive innocent from time to time. I found myself missing a voice, a voice that thinks itself ugly. I'd very much like her company, even limited. So selfish I am. I wish I could write about happier things. Usually, I find the happiness in the sad. Sometimes I just bury myself deeper in the sad. I'm not a very sad guy as of late. I had energy and purpose this whole weekend. Usually the time I find myself lacking in both. What to do with myself? That is the question I ask myself and others. What would make me happy? What can I do to bring happiness to others? Being around friends who knew me differently, who have seen me change, being around family who will always know me for who I am, and still concern themselves with who I am and who I am becoming. I know where I'll be in five years. I'd like to think I know. It's not so vague in my mind. All this opportunity, all this connection. I see the strength, the decisions and the potential sometimes and I know. It hurts to know so much about myself. I've always had that. I don't want it to be wrong or right. I want to be able to question, but it's so hard to judge myself. I forsee things happening and they do happen. I can't say anything more, except there are pool chats that confirm this in the corners of the universe. There are nights on the porch where the rain comes down and I know this. There are moments in the bathrooms where I can read the walls and feel change coming, and it just bears down on me relentlessly. I hate being vague. I wish I had the gift of illumination. I wish I could tell. Whenever I do, I give up control. I take away some bit of choice in the matter. I feel like a goddamn fury sometimes. But it really is better for me this way. How insane of me. It's easy to look back and see the truth. It's easy to assess the present and want happiness. It's easy to look at the future and want change. I want all three right now, past and future. I want to be the best in the world, if only for those I care about. I want to love without chains, without fear and worry and unknowing. I want to be loved and see it in the eyes, feel it in the touch, hear it in the breath. For spending so much of my time writing, I share so little of myself. There's this wall up I need to break down. I know why it is there. Because I'm so goddamn fragile sometimes. The only way to grow, to get stronger, is to touch the fire, learn it hurts, carry that lesson. Part of me wants nothing more than to lose myself in love, but I gotta find myself, even if I find myself in love. Such a silly boy I am.