So I may be back on the journal train so to speak. I've have for sure been away, and at this point I can't really say why. It may be because I don't want to fill the little space in my life that is shared with complete or not so complete strangers with such boring drivel as the days events.
I've been experiencing a sort of surrealistic epiphany as of recent. I've been more social, which is not my normal state of being, expressing thoughts, speaking up and acting out; these things have up until recently all been but reserved to the witness of my closer friends. To some end I have realized that my shy-ness has been more of a shield, a guard so to speak, of my true nature. I don't know why I would like to protect my true self (not that its in any real danger, but more of just being witnessed).
Im really just sick of it all, and like a man who has nothing to loose, I feel I have nothing to fear from letting people see all my faults. For me, its not a lie, but I definitely tone down aspects of my self. I hate it.
I believe that the faults that people have more than anything else (and not to say anything else has nothing to-do with everything else) makes us, and lets us understand the humanity that each and everyone of us embody.
I care very much for all the people that I have in my life. Because each any every person that I spend time with is a choice, I value them. Sadly, however I have to some degree been driving certain people out of my life because I can no find a way in my limited understanding of social manipulation to let them know that I care for them in the ways that I do, and yet, still may at times have problems with the way they act or treat others/me. Duality is a bitch.
A close friend of mine told me the other day that I was miserable. I tried to argue with him, because if you add up the facts I shouldnt be. But I couldnt prove my case, I could not say to him, NO Im not. It seems that I may have fallen to the yet unnamed syndrome that I have witnessed and commented about in the facets of so many others lives. True irony is never funny.
I've been experiencing a sort of surrealistic epiphany as of recent. I've been more social, which is not my normal state of being, expressing thoughts, speaking up and acting out; these things have up until recently all been but reserved to the witness of my closer friends. To some end I have realized that my shy-ness has been more of a shield, a guard so to speak, of my true nature. I don't know why I would like to protect my true self (not that its in any real danger, but more of just being witnessed).
Im really just sick of it all, and like a man who has nothing to loose, I feel I have nothing to fear from letting people see all my faults. For me, its not a lie, but I definitely tone down aspects of my self. I hate it.
I believe that the faults that people have more than anything else (and not to say anything else has nothing to-do with everything else) makes us, and lets us understand the humanity that each and everyone of us embody.
I care very much for all the people that I have in my life. Because each any every person that I spend time with is a choice, I value them. Sadly, however I have to some degree been driving certain people out of my life because I can no find a way in my limited understanding of social manipulation to let them know that I care for them in the ways that I do, and yet, still may at times have problems with the way they act or treat others/me. Duality is a bitch.
A close friend of mine told me the other day that I was miserable. I tried to argue with him, because if you add up the facts I shouldnt be. But I couldnt prove my case, I could not say to him, NO Im not. It seems that I may have fallen to the yet unnamed syndrome that I have witnessed and commented about in the facets of so many others lives. True irony is never funny.
