As soon as i saw @missy @lyxzen and @rambo set this homework i knew EXACTLY what i was going to say!
And this is because not a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind and it has pretty much been present from the start of my life.
Okay I'm going to add a read more section as this is not a happy story, there isn't really a happy ending and i had vowed to keep my SG page full of positive vibes so if you only want to read the positive outcome then scroll on down :D but for those of you that are interested in my past then please click to see more...
Top is my dad with my brother and 2nd is me and my dad on Brighton beach playing happy family's
Well i guess i better start from the beginning so it all makes sense....
My parents had been together since they were 18. Had me at 24 in their small flat in lewes. However my father was always coming and going, hence one of my first words was "gone"... yes darling daddy is gone again. People regularly told her he was having affairs but she didnt believe them :(
I never had a normal childhood, i never got the toys all my friends had but my mum tried damn hard to make us happy (me and my younger brother) But i recal from the age of 5 living in 4 Barrons Walk in Lewes and just casually playing with teddies in my room and then it started... My parents shouting ... followed by my mum running up the stairs, past my room and the slam of her bedroom door. Next the sound of my dad thundering up the stairs and an even louder slam and shake of the bedroom door behind him. The shouting and tears continuing and me hiding under my bed till finally there was the open and slam of the door and him going downstairs and Nirvana - Smells like teen spirit full blast from downstairs.
Crawling out from under the bed and going into my parents room where i found my mum crying down the side of the bed and me just sitting on the edge of the bed, putting my arm around her and laying my head on her shoulder and saying "Are you okay mummy?" or "it'll be ok mummy" (one of the two) and her just breaking down even more cuddling me.
I'm actually in tears right now as i never go this in depth into my childhood memories.
I also recall after a new years gathering my father chucking us out at 2am having smashed an ashtray over my mums head while she got my brothers bottle out of fridge with him in her arms and him dragging me out of bed. We had to walk only 15mins to get to his mums but she never believed it was him causing the issue :/
After that house we moved to Eastbourne and my mum became pregnant with little Alfie and all i recall from there is my mum again being upset and raising all 3 of us on her own. After each hospital visit my mum said she knew my dad was hoping she had bad news and was going to loose little Alf... But when she was in labour giving birth she found out he was having an affair with her sister who lived on the same street who was also married with a child. This gave her the strength to tell him to FUCK OFF cause after 14years of psychological, emotional and physical abuse she was done. She lost all her friends, family and self worth. Her family saw the bruises and said nothing. He said it was her fault he did what he did and she believed him. Well he was her first love at 18years old and she didn't know that he was the one with obvious underlining issues.
There is a silver lining to this... a few months later... while hanging washing out, in her pj's, with a baby in her arms, crying that her husband went off with her sister and left my mum 25K of debt... she met my stepdad :D
By this time i was 8years old and he was so kind, fun and made my mum laugh!!! Altho i did catch them drinking tea in bed one morning and asking if Steve was her boyfriend... and that he had a big nose :'D but he helped us move back to Lewes and yee stayed the night and then never left :D
My mum pretty soon after fell pregnant witha little girl called Lily, however after leaving my dad to babysit us one night (in which he wrote on EVERYTHING "love you always dad/mike) mum came in to thank him while Steve parked as they had beento aTexas concert. Well my father decided to flip and push her around as found her hospital scans.... She had an intrauterine death at 28weeks.
However A year after that they had a beautiful, healthy little girl whom i named Arietty :D
I refused to see my father once i could legally decide at the age of 13 as he scared me.... i saw and knew what he had done... i couldn't not be scared of him.... i just always saw those black eyes and always feared of saying the wrong thing. And he was being abusive to my step mum and terrified her daughter who was a year younger than me.
However... April 5th 2007 (15years old) i found out that my father had committed suicide. I also then found out he was an alcoholic, cocaine and heroin addict, apparently he hide his stash inside the toilet's water tank :/ NICE!
This did throw he off the rails alot, i never hugged my dad and meant it, i never said i love you dad. YES he was a class A arsehole to my mum but still my dad. my mum would regularly say "you're just like your father" or "you'll end up like your dad" which always made me think we why should i even fucking bother if im just gunna end up killing myself.... Oh those teenage years.
But yee with everything that has happened it has changed me for the better.
Yes i meant i was scared for many years of my life but i am not someone to be controlled and i know when i deserve better and how i should be treated. I have seen first hand an abusive relation followed by one that is just fucking perfect and still is 16years on!
I regret the situation with my dad and do wish every day i could go back and make more of an effort, hug him and mean it, have a cigarette and pint of beer with him!!! I still wonder if it was a lie and actually i will see him! ... but thats just crazy lol I just hope he would be proud of me.
I am a strong believer in everything happens for a reason. And without the shit times in life, those dark places. You wouldn't have come out the otherside to a brighter and happier place.
Sorry for the absolute essay but that was a fraction of my life and some of the highlights :)
Lots of love
LilyMai xxx