gah, just got back from tyler's wedding which erased my last lingering bit of doubt about whether leaving my religion was the right choice. i am never, fucking ever going back there. the whole idea that there's only one way to be a good person is total bullshit. and it's amazing that all of the vastly different religions in the world all manage to think that they're the only ones that are right. which means they must all actually be wrong. i also don't understand the compulsive need on the part of the uber-religious to try and force everyone to be just like them and to snub and disparage those who choose not to be. yup, elitism and judgementalness (pretty sure that's not a word, but you know what i mean) are really appealing, godly qualities. and it's not like i don't realize i've made mistakes and i'm not perfect. having a baby out of wedlock? yeah, that was a big fucking mistake and of course i wish it hadn't happened, but it's not like i'm a drug addict or a serial killer or something. how hard is it to be civil to someone you know you probably won't ever have to see again? grrrr. i'm not sorry i went cuz tyler and his mom were sweet and actually happy to see me and izzy, but it just confirmed the fact that i don't belong there and i should stop wondering if my attitude is the problem (which is what i always get told). sometimes i just hate people. and it's funny that it's super-christian people who are supposedly doing what god wants that always make me feel that way.
sigh, i hate happy pregnant women. it just throws the misery of my pregnancy into such sharp, painful relief. i wish i could just forget it. you'd think now that i have izzy and realize that my life isn't over and i enjoy being a mom, etc, that those memories wouldn't still be so painful. but it still feels just as bad as when it was actually happening. i think in part because i love isabelle, i wish i could've looked forward to her birth instead of wishing i'd have a miscarriage the entire time. and when i see women who are all excited to be pregnant and eagerly anticipating the birth of their babies, it just makes it a million times worse.
sigh, i hate happy pregnant women. it just throws the misery of my pregnancy into such sharp, painful relief. i wish i could just forget it. you'd think now that i have izzy and realize that my life isn't over and i enjoy being a mom, etc, that those memories wouldn't still be so painful. but it still feels just as bad as when it was actually happening. i think in part because i love isabelle, i wish i could've looked forward to her birth instead of wishing i'd have a miscarriage the entire time. and when i see women who are all excited to be pregnant and eagerly anticipating the birth of their babies, it just makes it a million times worse.