I'm up early this morning so as to get my music practice done before I go to a job interview at noon. I got a callback from a small cat veterinary clinic here in the city to come in for an interview. I have removed my nail polish and put on my khakis. I hope this interview goes smoothly. Of course, I would love to get this job. I do have some reservations, though. I am not sure I am ready to go back to work, emotionally and mentally. I am not back on antidepressants yet and I am still on these hormones though I think for not much longer. Another piece of info came my way this morning when I did a web search on the cat clinic I'm going to apply at. The reviews on Yelp.com are not all that flattering. Some good, some bad. But there is one recent review from an employee who must have just quit, saying how bad the employees are treated there (check the link and look at the third review down). Hmmm...
I did attend the tobacco pipe prayer circle last night and it was a good experience. But I got to bed late and did not sleep well. Had horrible nightmares in which I conspired with one or two other teenage or young adult males to kill some high-level corporate executives or organized criminals (is there a difference?) It was a hastily arranged murder, we just abducted the affluent white men we had targeted and killed them in our station wagon in the parking lot of a busy supermarket in broad daylight, and left some graffiti in the parking garage. I was feeling overwhelmed with remorse and fear of apprehension and prosecution and was already rehearsing the confession in my head for the inevitable arrest. After the murders, we were returning from shopping at the supermarket and were in our apartment making dinner. I had to do some work on repairing the speaker cables in the home, or cleaning or something. This dream left me with a queasy feeling of dread.
I've been intending to give the hormones another three weeks, but I'm not so sure if I want to continue. I feel that this whole transgender/transition thing has been a misguided experiment which has only proved that I am not a woman, I am a man - and a pretty poor specimen of a man, at that.
I did attend the tobacco pipe prayer circle last night and it was a good experience. But I got to bed late and did not sleep well. Had horrible nightmares in which I conspired with one or two other teenage or young adult males to kill some high-level corporate executives or organized criminals (is there a difference?) It was a hastily arranged murder, we just abducted the affluent white men we had targeted and killed them in our station wagon in the parking lot of a busy supermarket in broad daylight, and left some graffiti in the parking garage. I was feeling overwhelmed with remorse and fear of apprehension and prosecution and was already rehearsing the confession in my head for the inevitable arrest. After the murders, we were returning from shopping at the supermarket and were in our apartment making dinner. I had to do some work on repairing the speaker cables in the home, or cleaning or something. This dream left me with a queasy feeling of dread.
I've been intending to give the hormones another three weeks, but I'm not so sure if I want to continue. I feel that this whole transgender/transition thing has been a misguided experiment which has only proved that I am not a woman, I am a man - and a pretty poor specimen of a man, at that.
Hon, something I figured out, and really wish more people would see, is that it's not just two little checkboxes, "Male { } / Female { }"
Even beyond that -- physiology, emotions, hell, your soul and being... none of those will ever fit neatly into any one box. Nor should they. Whether you see yourself as a woman, as a a mild-mannered or bashful man, as something entirely unique, yet to be named... even if you're not really sure how you see yourself, that's fine. Tautology at it's finest, but "it is what it is, and you are what you are." About all any of us can do is try to find something that makes us happy, and to keep looking for it if we don't have it yet!
I do wish you well with your potential job at the animal clinic -- both with getting the job, and with finding that it is indeed a job worth having... not something unpleasant you'll dread going to each day.
Don't throw your hand... hold on!