Well, we had a beautiful warm, sunny weekend so I can't complain. Today it's back to a normal San Francisco summer day, cold and overcast as usual. Maybe it will 'burn off' later in the day... I don't care. I feel depressed.
Dreams last night involved working in two different natural foods stores, I had got a job at a new Whole Foods in San Diego and was working at my old job at O.B. People's Food. Or something like that. And I was riding around in a big sedan with Trent, my old friend from People's (I think he had a car like that before he got his little Karman Ghia, and Trent was/is the most mild mannered stereotypical poor lonely bachelor type I've ever met, not a mean bone in his body but an absolute failure with women... so that tells you something about why I was with him in my dream, I guess). Then I was circulating through some rehab or aftercare facility for recovering addicts and transgendered women, feeling out of place. I really had the strong sense that I didn't belong there. And the song kept coming up, in my head and in catalog listings: "I Got A Right" by Iggy & the Stooges. The dream was trying to tell me I have a right to do or be something, but what? "Free To Be, You And Me," as Marlo Thomas said?
I am feeling more dubious than ever about the hormones and my MTF status. Last night I masturbated for the first time in a week. I didn't even really feel like doing it, but I wanted to see if I could still get an erection and have an orgasm. Yes, I can still do both, but I felt like I didn't really care about it. I used one of our lovely Suicide Girls' recent photo sets as a visual aid, but seriously, when I had shot my load and it was over, all I could say was "So what?" Meh. Prior to being on the hormones, if I had waited a week to engage in sexual activity, I would be having a really high arousal level and intense orgasm. On a 0 to 10 scale, last night was about a 3 or 4. This is no better than being on one of those libido-killing antidepressants. I was hoping that in time I would start to feel more at ease and at home in my body after taking the hormones, more in tune with my feminine nature, and even more sexually sensitive. I don't think this is going to get any better, but I'll give it another three weeks (maybe longer, depends on when the doctor wants to increase my dosage). If I don't feel any positive signs on a higher dose of the estradiol, I guess I will stop taking them. I don't see that there is any harm in taking them till then. It'll be a while before any breast development begins, and I am sure I'll know if I want to do this or not before that happens.
I see my therapist today. I wish he could help me sort this out. I feel like he is a good psychologist to go to if I want someone to support my gender-variant feelings, and sanction my transition. But can he help me ask the right questions of myself and make a decision if it comes to deciding NOT to take hormones and transition?
And finally, this damned front tooth is still bothering me, sensitive to cold air and just feeling weird. Not even close to a toothache, but just 'touchy' and I don't know why. I saw my dentist and he didn't even charge me for the X-ray and he said everything looks alright. He said it might be a case of my bite, putting too much pressure on that tooth. It doesn't seem like that is what is going on, but maybe he is right. I bit down on a crust of bread the other day and it really hurt the tooth bad. Something is definitely wrong, and I can't help feeling it is early nerve deterioration and I will end up needing a root canal. I've been taking really good care of my teeth since I started noticing serious gum bleeding a few weeks ago. I floss every day, avoid acidic foods and drinks, and brush often. My gums are much better. But I guess I had better go back and see the dentist. Maybe he will sand some of the tooth down so it doesn't hit so much when I bite. Not really anything else he can do, unless or until it gets really bad and then the root canal will be the solution. God damn, I wish I could get a job. If I had money to pay for dental care I probably wouldn't be worrying so much about it. I'm sure that my worrying is making it worse than it really is. I need new eyeglasses, too. Those will cost a lot of money, whether I choose contact lenses or glasses. Fuck hormones, I need to take care of my eyes and teeth, and my city health insurance isn't paying for that (it does pay for the hormones, which are less of a necessity).
It would be a good day for an earthquake or something. Give me something serious to stress out about. I am not really hoping for one. But it's only a matter of time before disaster strikes. I stopped paying attention to the news a long time ago, it just makes my anxiety and depression worse and I can't handle that right now.
Dreams last night involved working in two different natural foods stores, I had got a job at a new Whole Foods in San Diego and was working at my old job at O.B. People's Food. Or something like that. And I was riding around in a big sedan with Trent, my old friend from People's (I think he had a car like that before he got his little Karman Ghia, and Trent was/is the most mild mannered stereotypical poor lonely bachelor type I've ever met, not a mean bone in his body but an absolute failure with women... so that tells you something about why I was with him in my dream, I guess). Then I was circulating through some rehab or aftercare facility for recovering addicts and transgendered women, feeling out of place. I really had the strong sense that I didn't belong there. And the song kept coming up, in my head and in catalog listings: "I Got A Right" by Iggy & the Stooges. The dream was trying to tell me I have a right to do or be something, but what? "Free To Be, You And Me," as Marlo Thomas said?
I am feeling more dubious than ever about the hormones and my MTF status. Last night I masturbated for the first time in a week. I didn't even really feel like doing it, but I wanted to see if I could still get an erection and have an orgasm. Yes, I can still do both, but I felt like I didn't really care about it. I used one of our lovely Suicide Girls' recent photo sets as a visual aid, but seriously, when I had shot my load and it was over, all I could say was "So what?" Meh. Prior to being on the hormones, if I had waited a week to engage in sexual activity, I would be having a really high arousal level and intense orgasm. On a 0 to 10 scale, last night was about a 3 or 4. This is no better than being on one of those libido-killing antidepressants. I was hoping that in time I would start to feel more at ease and at home in my body after taking the hormones, more in tune with my feminine nature, and even more sexually sensitive. I don't think this is going to get any better, but I'll give it another three weeks (maybe longer, depends on when the doctor wants to increase my dosage). If I don't feel any positive signs on a higher dose of the estradiol, I guess I will stop taking them. I don't see that there is any harm in taking them till then. It'll be a while before any breast development begins, and I am sure I'll know if I want to do this or not before that happens.
I see my therapist today. I wish he could help me sort this out. I feel like he is a good psychologist to go to if I want someone to support my gender-variant feelings, and sanction my transition. But can he help me ask the right questions of myself and make a decision if it comes to deciding NOT to take hormones and transition?
And finally, this damned front tooth is still bothering me, sensitive to cold air and just feeling weird. Not even close to a toothache, but just 'touchy' and I don't know why. I saw my dentist and he didn't even charge me for the X-ray and he said everything looks alright. He said it might be a case of my bite, putting too much pressure on that tooth. It doesn't seem like that is what is going on, but maybe he is right. I bit down on a crust of bread the other day and it really hurt the tooth bad. Something is definitely wrong, and I can't help feeling it is early nerve deterioration and I will end up needing a root canal. I've been taking really good care of my teeth since I started noticing serious gum bleeding a few weeks ago. I floss every day, avoid acidic foods and drinks, and brush often. My gums are much better. But I guess I had better go back and see the dentist. Maybe he will sand some of the tooth down so it doesn't hit so much when I bite. Not really anything else he can do, unless or until it gets really bad and then the root canal will be the solution. God damn, I wish I could get a job. If I had money to pay for dental care I probably wouldn't be worrying so much about it. I'm sure that my worrying is making it worse than it really is. I need new eyeglasses, too. Those will cost a lot of money, whether I choose contact lenses or glasses. Fuck hormones, I need to take care of my eyes and teeth, and my city health insurance isn't paying for that (it does pay for the hormones, which are less of a necessity).
It would be a good day for an earthquake or something. Give me something serious to stress out about. I am not really hoping for one. But it's only a matter of time before disaster strikes. I stopped paying attention to the news a long time ago, it just makes my anxiety and depression worse and I can't handle that right now.