Summer has finally arrived in San Francisco. Last night I slept with the window open for the first time this year. And I say to you, "It suits me fine." I used to fantasize about living in Iceland or Scandinavia, and as much as I feel attracted to the culture and natural environment of those Nordic lands, I've got to admit I'd much rather be where it's warm.
I woke up this morning with that front tooth feeling kind of sore and achy. The good news is I saw my dentist on Saturday, he took an X-ray, and said he sees no problem and no indications of decay or anything so serious as to point toward the possible necessity of a root canal. And he didn't even charge me a dime for the visit or the X-ray. What a guy. If anyone ever wants a referral to a good dentist in San Francisco, talk to me.
Today marks four weeks of having been on the estrogen (and two weeks of the anti-androgen). The good news so far is it is not making me crazy or depressed. I still don't feel much of anything. But I'm pretty sure it's the cause of my diminished libido. My sex drive hasn't disappeared, but it's not what it was a couple months ago. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I don't want to become disinterested in sex; it's one of the reasons I wanted to go on the hormones to begin with, to reorient my sexual energy toward the female. On the other hand, given the fact I have no regular sex partner (nor even an irregular or occasional partner), I don't feel the need for frequent masturbation. In the end, it's about the quality of sex, not the quantity or frequency. But I definitely resented it when the antidepressants interfered with my sexual functioning, yet now I'm willing to tolerate a similar side effect with regard to hormone treatment. Kind of a contradiction there. But the fact of the matter is I'm lately unsure if I want to go on taking female hormones. I'm starting to feel nervous about the physical changes that I will eventually be going through, how visible my breast development is going to be, etc. And I've also become less inclined to going out in public wearing makeup and women's clothing. Partly because I don't feel like being noticed in public, partly because it's a bother putting on makeup, and mostly because I am still pained by the undeniable fact that no matter how feminine I try to make myself look, I am still never going to pass as a woman. And I'm also starting to waffle on how 'out' I want to be. I am starting to get serious about my intentions of looking for a job, and I am not ready to seek employment as a woman, meaning I am going to have to present myself as a guy. I'm going to have a hard enough time making a positive impression as a male; as a visibly transgendered female (i.e. not passable), it will only be more difficult.
Well, today I made the switch from Premarin to estradiol. Both amount to the same thing, estrogen, but Premarin comes from the urine of pregnant horses and is bonded (or 'conjugated') in a natural chemical compound, whereas estradiol is a synthetic drug. It's claimed that Premarin has fewer side effects statistically, which might be a marketing myth, I don't know. I do know I decided I didn't want to be taking something that was a product of the factory farming abuse of animals, as Premarin is. Estradiol is supposed to be better, according to my doctor, in that the pills are suitable for dissolving under the tongue, thereby directly entering the bloodstream without going through the digestive tract and liver. The present regimen is 3 milligrams of estradiol and 100 milligrams of spironolactone daily. I go in for a blood check in about a week, and if there are no irregularities in my blood values then the doctor will increase my dosages of both meds. I see her again in four weeks. So I am going to give the hormones at least another month, and see how I feel at that point. I am afraid I might end up backing out of my hormone treatment plan, and feeling like a wuss for not going through with it partly because of societal fears and anxieties. But it would be crazy to go through with such a major ordeal if I feel on some level that I don't really want it or don't want to be forced to deal with all the effects it is going to have on my life (revealing any of this to my family? jeez, just imagining it makes me cringe)...
Maybe I am not destined to be a transsexual, but 'just' a cross-dresser, a guy who likes to role play and wear lingerie in private. The thought of having breasts is pretty exciting and attractive to me, but the thought of dealing with all the adversities a transgendered woman has to face in mainstream society (as well as the effort and expense involved in developing and maintaining a feminine appearance) is not so attractive at all. Decisions, decisions...
I woke up this morning with that front tooth feeling kind of sore and achy. The good news is I saw my dentist on Saturday, he took an X-ray, and said he sees no problem and no indications of decay or anything so serious as to point toward the possible necessity of a root canal. And he didn't even charge me a dime for the visit or the X-ray. What a guy. If anyone ever wants a referral to a good dentist in San Francisco, talk to me.
Today marks four weeks of having been on the estrogen (and two weeks of the anti-androgen). The good news so far is it is not making me crazy or depressed. I still don't feel much of anything. But I'm pretty sure it's the cause of my diminished libido. My sex drive hasn't disappeared, but it's not what it was a couple months ago. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I don't want to become disinterested in sex; it's one of the reasons I wanted to go on the hormones to begin with, to reorient my sexual energy toward the female. On the other hand, given the fact I have no regular sex partner (nor even an irregular or occasional partner), I don't feel the need for frequent masturbation. In the end, it's about the quality of sex, not the quantity or frequency. But I definitely resented it when the antidepressants interfered with my sexual functioning, yet now I'm willing to tolerate a similar side effect with regard to hormone treatment. Kind of a contradiction there. But the fact of the matter is I'm lately unsure if I want to go on taking female hormones. I'm starting to feel nervous about the physical changes that I will eventually be going through, how visible my breast development is going to be, etc. And I've also become less inclined to going out in public wearing makeup and women's clothing. Partly because I don't feel like being noticed in public, partly because it's a bother putting on makeup, and mostly because I am still pained by the undeniable fact that no matter how feminine I try to make myself look, I am still never going to pass as a woman. And I'm also starting to waffle on how 'out' I want to be. I am starting to get serious about my intentions of looking for a job, and I am not ready to seek employment as a woman, meaning I am going to have to present myself as a guy. I'm going to have a hard enough time making a positive impression as a male; as a visibly transgendered female (i.e. not passable), it will only be more difficult.
Well, today I made the switch from Premarin to estradiol. Both amount to the same thing, estrogen, but Premarin comes from the urine of pregnant horses and is bonded (or 'conjugated') in a natural chemical compound, whereas estradiol is a synthetic drug. It's claimed that Premarin has fewer side effects statistically, which might be a marketing myth, I don't know. I do know I decided I didn't want to be taking something that was a product of the factory farming abuse of animals, as Premarin is. Estradiol is supposed to be better, according to my doctor, in that the pills are suitable for dissolving under the tongue, thereby directly entering the bloodstream without going through the digestive tract and liver. The present regimen is 3 milligrams of estradiol and 100 milligrams of spironolactone daily. I go in for a blood check in about a week, and if there are no irregularities in my blood values then the doctor will increase my dosages of both meds. I see her again in four weeks. So I am going to give the hormones at least another month, and see how I feel at that point. I am afraid I might end up backing out of my hormone treatment plan, and feeling like a wuss for not going through with it partly because of societal fears and anxieties. But it would be crazy to go through with such a major ordeal if I feel on some level that I don't really want it or don't want to be forced to deal with all the effects it is going to have on my life (revealing any of this to my family? jeez, just imagining it makes me cringe)...
Maybe I am not destined to be a transsexual, but 'just' a cross-dresser, a guy who likes to role play and wear lingerie in private. The thought of having breasts is pretty exciting and attractive to me, but the thought of dealing with all the adversities a transgendered woman has to face in mainstream society (as well as the effort and expense involved in developing and maintaining a feminine appearance) is not so attractive at all. Decisions, decisions...