Depressed as hell today. Went to the 'Tryst' play party at the Citadel (BDSM club in SF). Tryst is a singles-themed party for people to meet one another. This is the second Tryst I've attended. Probably the last.
I am such a pathetic wallflower. If you are a young and pretty female, you can get away with being shy and quiet. People will come up and talk to you. If you're old and not so pretty, like me, well, you can just forget it. I wasn't feeling that awkward when i got dressed up and left the house. I felt like I knew what to expect and I could manage to make a good appearance. I didn't really expect to meet someone to play with or go home with (though of course, one always 'hopes'). I wasn't prepared for just how awkward, and insecure, and inadequate I would feel when I got there and found myself in a mob of happy revelers. I just shrank into myself. Of course, not all of them were 'happy shining people' - there were some other people standing or sitting around or meandering about alone: older guys, mostly. There were certainly lots of people fatter, uglier, and more boring looking than me. So I'm not saying I was just the most undesirable worm. I'm just too shy for my own good. Too damned fucking shy for my own good. I did manage to talk to a few people, initiating discussion even. I am sure I seemed as nervous and awkward as I felt inside, since the people I talked to politely responded and soon excused themselves with poise. I spent about three and a half hours there, so you can't say I didn't give it a chance (I've been known to make my escape within the first twenty minutes). What else can I say? I went home alone, feeling very despondent. I am just sick of myself. I was insecure and withdrawn as a straight male for my whole life, and now I am an insecure and withdrawn MTF. So what. And then this morning, I go to the Tryst discussion group on FetLife where I have a profile and read all the enthused comments from all the other people who went last night and had a fabulous time. And now I feel even worse.
The other rotten thing I now have to deal with is I've got a fucking rat in my apartment. I heard noises in my closet yesterday, and a loud crash in the other room. Figured a bird or something had flown in the air duct in the closet and got trapped. Got home from my fun and fulfilling night out to find stuff knocked over in the kitchen. More sounds and knocking around under the refrigerator and cabinet. Went to bed and left a slice of bread out on the kitchen floor to check for evidence in the morning. Was kept awake by the sounds of whatever it is shuffling and knocking around in the kitchen for at least three hours. Went out and it had dragged the bread under the refrigerator. Went back to bed, lay awake some more worrying about this new nuisance, finally put in my earplugs (I'm a light sleeper, my house is very quiet at night, so any noise disturbs me) and managed to fall asleep for a few hours. Woke up with my ears hurting the way they do when I leave the foam earplugs stuffed in for too long. Called the landlord (I'm not expecting him to do anything about this matter, at least not until it becomes a full-blown infestation). Went out to the hardware store this morning and bought a humane 'catch and release' type trap. I hope I can catch this critter and get it out of my place. I need my sleep, and I don't want to have to keep every shred of food sealed up in the refrigerator to avoid contamination.
And, I was planning to go to the pound and take home some kittens today, to foster care for them. I am not going to do that now, with a rat in the house. A little one-month old kitten could get bitten by a rat, could scamper underneath the stove or fridge to try to chase down some noise and get stuck in there. I wish I had a full-grown cat, but I am not in a position to adopt one now.
I feel like total shit today. Can't find a job, no one wants to hire me. Can't find a lover or partner, no one wants to have sex or be with me or anything. I am just shit. Somebody kill me.
I am such a pathetic wallflower. If you are a young and pretty female, you can get away with being shy and quiet. People will come up and talk to you. If you're old and not so pretty, like me, well, you can just forget it. I wasn't feeling that awkward when i got dressed up and left the house. I felt like I knew what to expect and I could manage to make a good appearance. I didn't really expect to meet someone to play with or go home with (though of course, one always 'hopes'). I wasn't prepared for just how awkward, and insecure, and inadequate I would feel when I got there and found myself in a mob of happy revelers. I just shrank into myself. Of course, not all of them were 'happy shining people' - there were some other people standing or sitting around or meandering about alone: older guys, mostly. There were certainly lots of people fatter, uglier, and more boring looking than me. So I'm not saying I was just the most undesirable worm. I'm just too shy for my own good. Too damned fucking shy for my own good. I did manage to talk to a few people, initiating discussion even. I am sure I seemed as nervous and awkward as I felt inside, since the people I talked to politely responded and soon excused themselves with poise. I spent about three and a half hours there, so you can't say I didn't give it a chance (I've been known to make my escape within the first twenty minutes). What else can I say? I went home alone, feeling very despondent. I am just sick of myself. I was insecure and withdrawn as a straight male for my whole life, and now I am an insecure and withdrawn MTF. So what. And then this morning, I go to the Tryst discussion group on FetLife where I have a profile and read all the enthused comments from all the other people who went last night and had a fabulous time. And now I feel even worse.
The other rotten thing I now have to deal with is I've got a fucking rat in my apartment. I heard noises in my closet yesterday, and a loud crash in the other room. Figured a bird or something had flown in the air duct in the closet and got trapped. Got home from my fun and fulfilling night out to find stuff knocked over in the kitchen. More sounds and knocking around under the refrigerator and cabinet. Went to bed and left a slice of bread out on the kitchen floor to check for evidence in the morning. Was kept awake by the sounds of whatever it is shuffling and knocking around in the kitchen for at least three hours. Went out and it had dragged the bread under the refrigerator. Went back to bed, lay awake some more worrying about this new nuisance, finally put in my earplugs (I'm a light sleeper, my house is very quiet at night, so any noise disturbs me) and managed to fall asleep for a few hours. Woke up with my ears hurting the way they do when I leave the foam earplugs stuffed in for too long. Called the landlord (I'm not expecting him to do anything about this matter, at least not until it becomes a full-blown infestation). Went out to the hardware store this morning and bought a humane 'catch and release' type trap. I hope I can catch this critter and get it out of my place. I need my sleep, and I don't want to have to keep every shred of food sealed up in the refrigerator to avoid contamination.
And, I was planning to go to the pound and take home some kittens today, to foster care for them. I am not going to do that now, with a rat in the house. A little one-month old kitten could get bitten by a rat, could scamper underneath the stove or fridge to try to chase down some noise and get stuck in there. I wish I had a full-grown cat, but I am not in a position to adopt one now.
I feel like total shit today. Can't find a job, no one wants to hire me. Can't find a lover or partner, no one wants to have sex or be with me or anything. I am just shit. Somebody kill me.
I hope you can get rid of that rat and that you feel better tomorrow