I just went and put the laundry in at the laundromat down the street, so while I'm waiting to go back and put it in to dry, I'll write something here..
Slept in past noon and finally got caught up on my sleep. Felt really depressed laying in bed, not wanting to get up and face the day, but once I was up the depression cleared like the clouds on an overcast morning. Was maybe going to go down to the pound this afternoon but decided to put that off till tomorrow, so I can get my laundry out of the way. I think the depression was related to the fact that I gave in to my urge to masturbate yesterday (twice). It's not that I feel masturbation is wrong or that I shouldn't do it. It's more like, it feels like a concession. Every time I resort to having sex with myself it amounts to a resigned and sad acceptance that I am (at least at that moment, not to say chronically) incapable of finding a partner to have sex with. Because solitary masturbation is always something I do when I want sexual pleasure and cannot find anyone to share the experience with. If I were doing it out of preference or convenience it would be different. The last time I had sex with someone was a couple months ago, and it was a quickie with someone I connected with through Craigslist (a transgendered MTF), totally unsatisfying. The time before that was with my last girlfriend, going on five years ago. It sucks being alone and unwanted and I hate it.
So anyway, I'm not depressed now, I'm going to finish the laundry, do some chores at home, and go to the fourth and final night of the music festival I played at on Thursday, that's tonight. Another cool thing on the horizon is I got hooked up with another transgender support group at New Leaf. I've been going to the Wednesday drop-in group for a few months now, but this other group is a long-term commitment, more intensive and gender-focused. Plus, I found out about another TG support group here in the city at TransThrive on Tuesdays, so I might be going to TG support groups three days a week, Tues-Wed-Thursdays, which will help out since my individual therapy got cut back to twice a month.
Time to go get the laundry.
Slept in past noon and finally got caught up on my sleep. Felt really depressed laying in bed, not wanting to get up and face the day, but once I was up the depression cleared like the clouds on an overcast morning. Was maybe going to go down to the pound this afternoon but decided to put that off till tomorrow, so I can get my laundry out of the way. I think the depression was related to the fact that I gave in to my urge to masturbate yesterday (twice). It's not that I feel masturbation is wrong or that I shouldn't do it. It's more like, it feels like a concession. Every time I resort to having sex with myself it amounts to a resigned and sad acceptance that I am (at least at that moment, not to say chronically) incapable of finding a partner to have sex with. Because solitary masturbation is always something I do when I want sexual pleasure and cannot find anyone to share the experience with. If I were doing it out of preference or convenience it would be different. The last time I had sex with someone was a couple months ago, and it was a quickie with someone I connected with through Craigslist (a transgendered MTF), totally unsatisfying. The time before that was with my last girlfriend, going on five years ago. It sucks being alone and unwanted and I hate it.
So anyway, I'm not depressed now, I'm going to finish the laundry, do some chores at home, and go to the fourth and final night of the music festival I played at on Thursday, that's tonight. Another cool thing on the horizon is I got hooked up with another transgender support group at New Leaf. I've been going to the Wednesday drop-in group for a few months now, but this other group is a long-term commitment, more intensive and gender-focused. Plus, I found out about another TG support group here in the city at TransThrive on Tuesdays, so I might be going to TG support groups three days a week, Tues-Wed-Thursdays, which will help out since my individual therapy got cut back to twice a month.
Time to go get the laundry.
ilsa:
I hope you feel better soon and that you like that new support group 