It is Monday afternoon. I went to bed at ten pm last night, slept well, and woke up at 9:30 am, then laid in bed until 10:40 before deciding at last to get up. I have showered, eaten breakfast, and completed my morning routine of checking email and visiting my usual websites to see what's up.
This morning I took my first dose of Premarin, one 1.25mg tablet, and tonight I will take another dose of the same amount. And I took the one baby aspirin pill that the doctor recommended taking with the hormones (along with the usual multi-vitamin supplement I take everyday). I am having mixed feelings about taking female hormones. My best hope is that shifting the balance of male/female hormones to where testosterone is reduced to insignificant levels and estrogen is boosted will bring about a congruence between my biochemistry and my psyche, and I will begin to feel more integrated, whole and balanced, that my mood will be lifted and that my self-image and sense of vitality and integrity will be enhanced. I don't expect that it will make me look more like a woman overall, though I do expect I might get softer skin and some kind of breast growth, perhaps my body fat will become redistributed to my hips. My short-term fear is that it will make me more emotionally unstable, perhaps even more depressed - this could be a real problem given the fact that I have an important public concert to prepare for that will happen in ten days, and I don't want to come down with a crippling attack of stage fright, or become even more self-doubting than I already am. And long-term, I'm afraid that if my breast growth is very noticeable, then what is that going to mean? Other inborn physical attributes will ensure that I will never pass as a real woman, while breasts will prevent me from ever being perceived as a normal man. I may end up stuck in the middle, in a situation of societal discrimination that I find unmanageable.
Only time will tell if the changes these hormones will bring are going to be significant, desirable, or unexpected. In two weeks, once I have got a sense of what the effects of the Premarin are, I am going to add the spironolactone testosterone-blocker to my daily hormone therapy program.
Last night I took my instruments out of their cases so that I can today start playing again. It's been about two months since I played my horns, and over four months since I made any new music. I have to at least get the hang of playing my bass clarinet and flute again, so I can use them in my upcoming concert, and ensure that they are in playable condition in case I might need to bring either instrument in to the shop for adjustment. And I have to go over the programming of the pre-recorded material and all the effects settings, so I can figure out exactly what I will do at this concert and how I will do it. There is no longer any time to procrastinate without bringing on a greater risk of failure by going into this situation without proper rehearsal. I am kind of looking forward to playing my horns again, and making some music, and at the same time I am dreading it.
Oh, and I read the fine print on my Premarin pamphlet. Seems like if I consume grapefruit in any form while I am taking this med, I will run into some possible risks from elevating the level of estrogen in my bloodstream. Who'da thunk it? Grapefruit Drug Interactions
This morning I took my first dose of Premarin, one 1.25mg tablet, and tonight I will take another dose of the same amount. And I took the one baby aspirin pill that the doctor recommended taking with the hormones (along with the usual multi-vitamin supplement I take everyday). I am having mixed feelings about taking female hormones. My best hope is that shifting the balance of male/female hormones to where testosterone is reduced to insignificant levels and estrogen is boosted will bring about a congruence between my biochemistry and my psyche, and I will begin to feel more integrated, whole and balanced, that my mood will be lifted and that my self-image and sense of vitality and integrity will be enhanced. I don't expect that it will make me look more like a woman overall, though I do expect I might get softer skin and some kind of breast growth, perhaps my body fat will become redistributed to my hips. My short-term fear is that it will make me more emotionally unstable, perhaps even more depressed - this could be a real problem given the fact that I have an important public concert to prepare for that will happen in ten days, and I don't want to come down with a crippling attack of stage fright, or become even more self-doubting than I already am. And long-term, I'm afraid that if my breast growth is very noticeable, then what is that going to mean? Other inborn physical attributes will ensure that I will never pass as a real woman, while breasts will prevent me from ever being perceived as a normal man. I may end up stuck in the middle, in a situation of societal discrimination that I find unmanageable.
Only time will tell if the changes these hormones will bring are going to be significant, desirable, or unexpected. In two weeks, once I have got a sense of what the effects of the Premarin are, I am going to add the spironolactone testosterone-blocker to my daily hormone therapy program.
Last night I took my instruments out of their cases so that I can today start playing again. It's been about two months since I played my horns, and over four months since I made any new music. I have to at least get the hang of playing my bass clarinet and flute again, so I can use them in my upcoming concert, and ensure that they are in playable condition in case I might need to bring either instrument in to the shop for adjustment. And I have to go over the programming of the pre-recorded material and all the effects settings, so I can figure out exactly what I will do at this concert and how I will do it. There is no longer any time to procrastinate without bringing on a greater risk of failure by going into this situation without proper rehearsal. I am kind of looking forward to playing my horns again, and making some music, and at the same time I am dreading it.
Oh, and I read the fine print on my Premarin pamphlet. Seems like if I consume grapefruit in any form while I am taking this med, I will run into some possible risks from elevating the level of estrogen in my bloodstream. Who'da thunk it? Grapefruit Drug Interactions
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What I can expect to experience, however, is a second puberty, this time as my system is flooded with an elevation of female hormones. That is bound to come with its own characteristic emotional effects...